In may 2012 myself and ben found out we was expecting again, But instead of happiness we felt with our other children it was tainted with fear. You see in august 2011 we lost a little boy, I could never turn of that mothering instinct and me and ben decided we would try one more time, I mean the chances of it happening again was low. I fell pregnant quite soon after we decided and we was petrified. A couple of weeks after finding out I was pregnant I began to bleed so the thought of miscarriage was over powering but the day we went for a scan it showed a strong heartbeat. I went at 6 & 8 weeks for scans where it showed baby copland was hanging on. The bleeding stopped and everything went on as normal. 12 weeks scan arrived again we was nervous but lets be honest who isn't? Everything was great, I couldn't believe it id got to 12 weeks and all was ok. So we got home I announced to friends and family we was again expecting. 1 hour later blood is pouring from me and I cant control it I get rushed to hospital where they said I was loosing our baby and we needed a scan ASAP. I was admitted to hospital and put on bed rest although it didn't stop the bleeding I knew he held on once maybe he could do it again? The amount of blood it should have been impossible. My consultant come to me at 9pm at night I couldn't believe it, I was scanned and there it was his little heartbeat was pumping away. It was decided I was put on progesterone as my placenta was not attached properly. I had to do this everyday until I was 17 weeks, it was successful. I was booked in for appointment for another scan, This is where I see his little dinky.. ITS A BOY! I was chuffed to bits, ben didn't want to no so I had to keep the excitement to myself and many people no me, That was impossible. 
From 17-20 Weeks everything seemed fine and the day come to my 20 week scan. I arrived for my scan, drank plenty of cold water and i was so excited. During the scan the sonographer shook me violently and ask me to move side to side. He wasn't moving, I began to get distressed. I asked if I could go for a walk but the sonographer was reluctant but I insisted. 10 minutes later I returned to the scan room and she continued scanning. Again there was no movement this time I burst into tears, she said your baby's lazy. Not what I wanted to hear! We explained that my prior loss didn't move and we found out 4 days later he had passed away, So again we expected the same. I got so distressed I was took to a room to calm down. The 20 weeks can could not be completed as sub optimal position and no fetal movement. So I was asked to return at 22 weeks to complete the scan. I left there thinking I wont get there this babys going to go in the mean time as jack did. Up to 22 weeks I had ben feeling little prods and wavey movements and I loved it. The day of the 22 weeks scan come and I shouted ben, he placed his hand on my tummy and got a little prod. We arrived for the 22 weeks scan and entered the room. During the scan I ask why does my baby never move, He just laid there and when I say no movement I mean nothing. The reply was again a lazy baby. I said not that lazy surely, He never moves! But I had no choice but to trust In them. At the end of the scan he confirmed he couldn't complete it as baby wouldn't move his arms and he had enlarged ventricles in the brain but I'm not to worry. We left the hospital but we was disheartened that we had seen no movement again. This is the last time I ever felt alfie moved. Almost 4 weeks the hospital left me with no movement. I made 22 phone calls for help and that's without phone call being made to me as I couldn't get through and left messages to call me back. I would ring constantly and say I cant feel him. They said I was paranoid because id had a loss previously, They said he was lazy or he was kicking and I couldn't feel him.. But I have been feeling him so why cant I now?? They would say I have a healthy baby so nothing is wrong. You could tell they just didn't have time for me. He's moving while your sleeping was the last excuse I got.. So I would sit up all night and wait and prod my tummy just for that little poke or prod I needed to reassure me I wasn't paranoid and I literally wasn't crazy. They would rather have dismissed me than listen to me and in the end I felt like I was a burden Finally at 25 weeks and 3 days I was finally called in to see my consultant who explained to me it wasn't normal for me not to be feeling baby move and I needed a emergency scan.. 6 Days later!! The 6 days went by slowly and painfully and I kept saying we'll get there and he'll move and ill look stupid. The 1st of November came I was 26 weeks pregnant and I again arrived at the hospital. I drank cold water, cereal bars to build up energy and tried to stay relaxed so I didn't stress out baby.
I was called in, laid on the bed and he started scanning I just laid there I couldn't bare to watch what he was doing. He stopped scanning and said to me and ben.. Lucy there is alarm bells all over your pregnancy and I need to arrange for you to go to another hospital to be scanned in more depth. I was hysterical, No one could calm us and we didn't no what was happening. I had to travel to Nottingham the next day to have a 3D & 4D scan. Was in there a good hour and then he asked me to clean myself up and go to another room. That conversation broke my heart, They told me baby was 50% disabled but to what extent they didn't no. He had a good heart and the brain was normal at that point but they said on the basis of the scan that he had either trisomy 13 or trisomy 18 which is not compatible with life. I was advised to end my pregnancy. I couldn't take it in, I couldn't breath and I couldn't move. I needed to get home, see my kids and family and try to explain what we thought was a lazy baby and a paranoid mum was actually a poorly baby. By now we have decided to call our little boy Alfie. I didn't sleep that night because I was so confused, Everything alfie had couldn't have missed all that time, we had tons of questions but where do we start. Our first priority was alfie. I went in the following day for bleeding and the atmosphere could have been cut with a knife.. I was the lady with the poorly baby. The hospital decided that alfie was a DNR (do no resuscitate) without mine or bens consent. I called for a paediatrician and consultant. I wanted tests anything that could help me face up to what ever happens. So I had a amniocentesis, 4 days it took for us to get the results and with the hospital certain afie had trisomy 13 or 18 we just needed to no which one.. The results was in.. Alfie had no chromosomal defects every test was normal. WHAT.. That threw everything in the air because now alfie's survival rate was now said to be high. I had injections to mature his lungs and stayed in hospital. I now started to fill with fluid we wasn't sure why but I couldn't breath or walk. I was soo big I had to stay in bed. A normal fluid volume for around a baby is 17 ish. my fluid was 30! My waters started to push through my cervix and push my lungs up and I was in a lot of pain. On the 14th November 2012 my waters broke, alfie went into bradycardia I was rushed to theatre and put to sleep. When I woke I was in so much pain I couldn't move. I turned to my left and I saw ben dressed in scrubs, I patted my tummy and he nodded to me and said he's gone luce.. I broke. They tried in vain for 7 minutes to help alfie. They couldn't. He was given to ben to pass away. We stayed in hospital with alfie for 3 nights. I just wanted to cuddle and smell him all the time. I could see his little tongue resting on his bottom lip and the tears would fall onto his little blanket. I would place him in with ben to have his morning cuddles and they would sleep together peacefully.
On the Friday after having alfie we asked to spend some time with him before going home the next morning and the thought of that coming gave me a feeling in my tummy I can never explain. So I pushed the button for the nurse and asked for alfie.. What happened next will haunt me an ben forever. She brought us our precious baby boy in a bag! placed him on the bed and got him out this bag as though he was a piece of meat! I was distraught ben was mortified, but right at that point I wanted him. I didn't want to waste precious time being angry when this time doesn't last forever.

As I mentioned earlier on in our story I had a section with alfie, I took my self to A&E 3 times for having heavy bleeding and I was dismissed. On one occasion I was told I had retained products but was still sent home because a senior said its impossible.
21st December I was admitted to hospital for having retained products and was put on the emergency for surgery.

I have recently found out that during the time alfie stopped swallowing he may have been helped if the hospital acted sooner. We have made a formal complaint to the hospital and they have said I should have been helped sooner but that doesn't change what happened. Yes alfie would have been disabled but we would have had him and cared for him as best we could. Its better than not having him at all. The effect it's had on my life is massive, I suffer terrible anxiety.
We didn't deserve the treatment we received and neither did alfie. 4 weeks is a long time to be with no movement. Our story has recently been in The Sun, Daily Mail Online, ITV News and Heartfm. 
I will go as far as I need to make people aware that while alfies case is rare it could happen to someone else today, tomorrow and sometime in the future! 

R.I.P Our sweet little boy! 

So Small, So Sweet, So Soon Xx

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