So... it’s 5 years later and I’m back for my second 24 hour (yes an entire day and night 😬) hike for Mind!

Why??????? 

Well 5 years later I realise I am still on this journey. I’m still working out how to cope, how to handle the really dark days, how to carry on when that feels like the last thing in the world that is possible. HOWEVER, and more importantly, I’m grateful to say that over the last 12 crazy Covid months I’ve started seeing the good days, appreciating them, building on them and knowing that my depression does not define me. There is goodness, kindness and fun inside me and I’m enjoying finally being my true self.

For so many years I didn’t seek help. To be honest I didn’t think I should. In my head I kept telling myself I shouldn’t have anything to be “upset” about, other people were far worse off, I was so ungrateful for the life I had, the things that were bothering me were “pathetic”... and so it went on. I realise now that for me,  that was the depression making me I believe I was worthless, hopeless, pathetic, miserable, ungrateful, unloveable and everything would be better if I didn’t exist. 

Like so many other people, to the outside world I kept my smile on because that’s what I thought would work. I would be the chatty one, , the one with a quick joke or bit of banter, or the confident one, the one looking all put together with freshly washed hair and make up, trying to look nice because that’s who I wanted people to see. I didn’t want to face the other side with anyone. I didn’t want people to know because I felt it was wrong of me to think like that. I only sought help on a day when I got so low I was genuinely frightened that I couldn’t go on with my life.

I feel I got lucky and was given the most INCREDIBLE GP IN THE WORLD! He just got it. He understood. He wasn’t dismissive. He didn’t make me feel like a total idiot. Frankly he went above and beyond (and still does when it’s needed!) He has helped me see patterns that lead me to darker places and I’m now able to control that sooner. We both know there is no magic wand. The medication undoubtedly helps but he has shown me that I am resilient and I have and continue have the ability to get myself to a better place. 

Since my last hike I’ve now started to be able see the good things about myself. In fact the chatty, funny smiling one isn’t a facade any more. That is genuinely me! On the days when it’s not, I’m ok to be honest and tell people if I’m having a rubbish day. Usually just saying it out loud helps. Never be afraid to speak up. Never be afraid to seek help. 

I know that I am incredibly fortunate. My other reason and motivation for doing this hike is because this year it will also be 5 years since Sean Ferguson died. He was at school with my husband and we were in the same year at dental school. I wasn’t a close friend of his but honestly Sean was friendly with everyone, he had time and a smile for everyone. He always worked hard and got good results. He won the surgery prize, he was always at the social events having a laugh. When I heard the news it was a genuine shock. You never know what someone else is going through. You never know when that person won’t be able to make it through the darkness. With the support and blessing of his mum Christine, for Sean and anyone else who’s lives have been lost to mental illness, I would like to take on this challenge in their memory. 

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