My first connection to loros was on Monday the 2nd November 2020 when my mum was admitted as patient onto the ward to manage her pain she had stage 4 lung cancer. 

Once on the ward she was assessed by the team, I then got took into a family room to be told she had entered the dying phase. I had so many questions that no one could answer, it felt too soon we had originally been told 5-7 years upon diagnosis then we was told 6 months in October after the chemo failed to be then told it was just days it was all happening so fast I didn’t have any time to process anything.

I was 33 and a mum of 2 young children, I had no siblings so it was always just me and mum she was my backbone. At that moment my world crashed it felt like someone had ripped my heart out. I’d always remained positive throughout mum’s treatment always hoping she would be the 1 in a million who could beat the odds. I always said if we gave up hope we’d loose the fight. Hope was the only thing that kept us going.

On the 4th November my youngest daughter turned 6, loros made her a birthday cake and we had a mini party on the ward and she was skating around my mums bed on her new roller skates, it was the last day my girls saw their nanny a goodbye that I know broke my mums heart as she knew It would be the last time she saw the girls.

November the 5th I went back to the hospice, my mum was very alert and being her normal assertive self, putting my life into order. I kept telling her you’re not going anywhere yet and she said “I am and it’s time I just need you to be strong”. I was sobbing I could barely catch my breath yet my mum sat there calm and kept telling me everything would be okay.

I made her a few promises one being id live my life every day in her memory and     I’d do everything with a good heart. I remember saying my life will never be the same and her just saying on days I felt sad or I needed guidance to close my eyes and shel would be right there. That night was our last conversation, we sat in her bed watching Leicester with a bottle of bud together talking about the memories we had together and hopefully what the future might hold for me and my girls, it was heartbreaking talking about the future knowing she wouldn’t be there to see any of it. I kept saying how unfair it was, still today I can’t get my head around how strong my mum stayed right till the end. I asked if she was scared she assured me she wasn’t scared to die she was scared to leave me and broken to not see my girls grow up they were her absolute world well we all were. I had to promise that after she died I’d still make sure she had her glasses on so she could see where to go, mum believed massively in after life and I guess none of us know what happens after we die so again I’m holding onto hope that one day we will all be together again. 

November the 7th I’d sat there all day holding her hand we had visitors in to say their goodbyes, we’d listened to her favourite songs but she had been asleep all day, I still sat talking to her so even in her final hours she was listening to me go on. 

At 21.15 I said to her I was popping home to put the girls to bed and I’d be back if she needed me, th