January 2021 driving to the hospital for our three month scan, with huge smiles on our faces, full of excitement and joy and cannot wait to be first time parents. Not one ounce of worry, all positive. Then when walking into the hospital and to the reception I was almost shouted at to wait outside (covid). I wasn’t allowed in the scan. For the first time worry came over me. Waiting outside pacing around desperately waiting to hear some news, a message came through to my phone “You can come up” - no heart, no kiss, no smiley, nothing else. I raced up the stairs to see my partner looking afraid, upset, and the realisation of what was happening sinked in. Nicola had suffered a missed miscarriage. Our world sank. Everything changed. What followed was two months of A&E trips, multiple hospital visits, many tears, and our lives changed forever. 

After building the courage later in 2021 to try again, and when Nicola’s body was ready too after suffering so much, we fell pregnant once more. But there was no real excitement, just worry. Every day felt like a marathon. And after two early scans our worse fears were realised once more and another missed miscarriage. Our world broken again. Multiple operations followed again and more pain suffered. 

The mental and physical stress Nicola has had to suffer has been unmeasurable to us. To watch your partner suffer like that and feel so helpless is incredibly tough to deal with. The stress and strain I continue to go through is often hidden by my work and putting on a brave face, but deep down I haven’t stopped suffering, and don’t think I ever will. 

The Saying Goodbye charity do an amazing job supporting families through baby loss and if I can help even in a small way to help raise awareness and to help others going through the same suffering then I will do. 

Thank you all for your incredible support. 

James