After having my coil out to potentially have another baby in a year (It took us a little while to get pregnant with Myles) I found out I was pregnant within two weeks which was a bit of a shock! It was fine until started with heavy bleeding for a whole day, the next day it was no lighter and I ended up being sent for an emergency scan because it wasn’t coming from my cervix. This is when I was told I have a 13mm mass in my Fallopian tube, the nurses kept asking am I ok, am I in pain and I wasn’t at all! I did have a brief moment of pain when I was about to take my kids to school and it floored me I couldn’t move! I learnt how lucky I am to be alive and how amazing that I had suffered a ruptured ectopic and didn’t need surgery. My body knew what to do and kept me safe. Although mentally it’s a different story, it hurt like hell I felt like a failure of a woman and wondered why this had happened to me, I’m young, relatively healthy… 

I was sent home and that was that, I had regular blood test and when it hit 0 I was discharged.

I had a period, then when my next period was due it didn’t come, I had morning sickness, food aversions, sore breasts, you name it I had it. So we paid for a private scan for some reassurance…then those five words came back to haunt me…’have you had any pain?’

No I haven’t I’m pregnant it’s not meant to be painful, I was pregnant but not with a baby, two doctors and two consultants are still torn between blighted ovum, pseudosac from another ectopic that resolved itself again or molar pregnancy. I mean I was back and to to  that hospital telling me I was pregnant then not pregnant my hcg was doubling so it couldn’t be ectopic…it was absolute hell.

Right before Christmas the bleeding started once more, and this was worse than the ectopic I was passing huge pieces of tissue and the gestational sac and sobbed my heart out every time on the toilet even though there was never a baby it still feels horrific to just flush it down the toilet, it’s something I don’t think il ever forget.

Today I had the d and c, to clear the remaining ‘pregancy remains’ I was in a room behind curtains alone with my thoughts wishing that I could have someone there to talk to and hold my hand. The nurses were amazing they can not be faulted and ‘covid restrictions’ are not their fault.

Writing this I feel empty, I feel grateful and I feel overwhelmed by the events of the last four months.

That’s why I am doing this to give me something (other than my beautiful boys) to put my mind too and hopefully help other woman who have felt like me and the other woman who will feel like me.

Love Jess. Mum of three beautiful boys: one little baby who got lost on their way earthside and one very confused little fertilised egg who never quite knew what to do 💙💙💙💜💜

The Miscarriage Association are challenging their supporters to complete 250,000 steps throughout January - the same number of steps as the number of pregnancies that are estimated to end in miscarriage in the UK each year.Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and molar pregnancy can be distressing at any time, but the recent pandemic has made it especially difficult for many, with limited access to some services and partners often being unable to attend for scans. Feelings of isolation and loneliness have understandably been magnified by not being able to see family and friends.Throughout the pandemic the M.A has supported thousands of people through their helpline, live chat, and online support services. The majority of their income comes from public donations and fundraising activities, and they receive no statutory funding. Can you help to raise funds to help support the M.A by sponsoring me as I complete this 250,000 step challenge this January?