My journey into Motherhood has been a traumatic one, one which I was ill prepared for and one which has left me wracked with fear and guilt. Was it my fault? What could I have done differently? Why me!

I was one of the 1%, I had a placental abruption, almost losing my life and the life of my unborn child. Nobody can tell me why it happened, instead, I have been told I was "just unlucky". I have been struggling to come to terms with this over the last few months, but have taken solace in reading so many amazing stories of other preemie mums out there and feel my story may offer someone, somewhere a little comfort too.

Our NICU journey began on the morning of the12th of July. I was visiting family in Fort William, I woke early when I wasn't
feeling too well with an extremely sore stomach, and I discovered I was heavily bleeding. My world came crashing down in that moment, but my sister was there for me and kept me calm. I rang the Maternity unit in Fort William who told me to come straight in, the decision was made to send me by blu light ambulance to Inverness - this was the scariest journey of my life.

Inverness was 300 miles from home, 300 miles from my husband.

When I arrived in Raigmore I was given a plethora of drugs in a bid to slow my contractions down but also to prepare our baby for the world should he make an appearance, our little trooper was having none of it. After a complicated 20hour labour and delivery, on the 13th of July after a drop in his heart rate and being starved of oxygen Machair Gray Ballantyne was introduced to the world at 3.47am taking his first breath unaided at 3.49am, weighing 4lbs 7oz and dropping to 4lbs on discharge. Machair
was immediately taken away for his "Neonatal Golden Hour" this involved him being stabilised, his airways cleared, temperature regulated, and a cannula inserted into his tiny fragile veins to allow antibiotics to be administered as a preventative measure against potential Sepsis. 

This was a far cry from the "Golden hour" we had dreamed about.

I was taken to surgery where I continued to lose blood – it later transpired that I had not only suffered an abruption, but I had also suffered from a Post-Partum Haemorrhage. I was kept in HDU under observation and unable to see Machair until later the next day. I was wheeled into a room where my baby had to be pointed out to me because I did not know
which baby in the room of 4 was actually mine, I was still very ill at this time and I subsequently ended up having to have a blood transfusion meaning I was unable to visit Machair for another 24hours which was utterly heart-breaking. It is comforting knowing that Iain was able to spend some time with Machair in the unit whilst I recovered.

Overnight Machair's breathing had slowed and his Oxygen Saturation was concerning, he was placed in a hot cot to help regulate his temperature and stabilise his breathing, the next few days were a blur of tests and learning the ropes of "Neonatal cares" - where someone else tells you when you
can hold your baby and how to feed and change them so as not to damage their tiny fragile bodies. Machair had to be fed through an NG tube as at his gestation the suck, swallow, breath relax has not fully developed meaning bottle feeding had to be slowly introduced.  

We spent almost a week in inverness before a bed became available in Glasgow and the amazing transfer team from ScotSTAR were able to take us one step closer to home. This was a bittersweet moment, although we were going to be closer to home, it was the first time we would be returning to our own house after becoming parents but without our baby.

We spent a further 4 days in the NICU in Glasgow
learning the new ways of the new unit and getting to know some of the amazing staff.  although our time there was brief they were always on hand to help and offer reassurance when we needed it.

Machair slowly built up to 3hourly bottle feeds with top ups through his NG tube and eventually after completing the majority of his bottle feeds he had his NG tube removed. His oxygen probe was soon replaced by an apnoea monitor on his belly, his bilirubin levels were still a concern, but we were making steady progress. We were soon asked to bring our car seat in for the all-important car seat challenge... Machair passed 1^st time.

Next step on our journey to home was the rooming
in... I was petrified! We had to demonstrate that we could cope with Machairs cares independently overnight and Machair had to demonstrate that he could maintain
his stats off the monitors for a prolonged period of time. His temperature dropped slightly but nothing a wonderful
donated cardigan and hat combination couldn't sort out. what felt like an eternity later, his consultant knocked at the door to deliver the hotly anticipated news that we could go home. I was flooded with so many emotions - fear, excitement, elation, anxiety... I was overwhelmed, but Iain was there to steady my nerves and soon we were walking
through the double doors of the NICU for the last time, and
after what seemed like a lifetime, our baby was coming home! 

NICU is a difficult place, one that pulls you in so many different directions. There were times that I just fell apart. I buried my head in my hands and just cried. Tears of anxiety and grief rolled down my cheeks, and I feared that I may just drown from the weight of the situation I found myself in.

But I took a deep breath and I carried on.

I pushed through, faced my worst fears and came
out the other side. I discovered my "Inner strength" and a resilience I never knew I had.

A strength I now carry with me always.

 If it wasn't for the quick thinking of my sister Lauren, the
Midwifes in Fort William, the SCBU team in Raigmore, ScotSTAR transfer team and the Neonatal unit at QEUH, our story could have been drastically different, their support cannot be underestimated. I learnt first-hand that we are finite, almost losing my own life and the life of my child has put a lot into perspective for me, life can change in the blink of an eye. Both Iain and I are eternally grateful to each and every person that was involved in Machair's care. 

We are keen to play our part in giving back to such a fantastic cause and help those who find themselves in a similar situation to ourselves - to help them see that the stinging pain of helplessness will abate.

To give back we are going to do a few events throughout the year to raise money for charities involved with the care and
research into Premature Babies, and the causes behind premature labour.

Lots of Love

Kirsten, Iain and Machair