It's nearly three years since Tony my partner died by suicide, since that time I have managed to complete The Spine 2019 (268mls on the Pennine Way in winter) being supported into raising a huge amount of money for CALM.

I dragged myself to the finish of that race with multiple injuries, hypothermia and tested to the limits both physically and mentally resulting in being out of running for over a year. I was lucky enough to have a short film sponsored by Si from Beta and We Are Noah film crew. Our fundraising then continued in a slightly warmer way- thank goodness in talking about mental health, showing the film to corporate and community groups and Q&A's to talk, share experiences and to learn how to help others as colleagues, friends, and parents.

The last three years have taken their toll on my own mental health and in that of friends leaving me with an even greater understanding of how quickly continued mental stress can lead to such a deterioration. However this also reinforced how quickly these effects can be reversed by talking and sharing problems with friends or anyone who will listen, helping to prevent suicide and improve upon mental health. The importance of seeking early help is so valuable, with the continued reminder to talk and to be kind to each other- you don't always know the difficulties that someone is facing. 

Life moves on- it always does in every aspect of life, with Lee and I becoming a couple, with his support and understanding being invaluable, becoming Nanny Shelli to my son Joels little boy Colby, surviving home schooling and teenage years with my daughter Isla, being a soft touch and gaining far too many four legged friends to our home.  Tony however has not been forgotten as a friend of Lee's and also my partner, if anything suicide has become prevalent in our life, losing more friends, of one a very close friend in Ian Gorin, sharing the loss of loved ones with those who contact me personally and those who come to the shop, which has become despite covid the most amazing community of friendship and support in all aspects of life. 

My injuries and Covid have prevented me from getting back out there doing what I love in racing, well that's the party line but if I am honest, I have lost and had beaten out of me any confidence I had in my ability to perform, or even to succeed in life.  When someone dies and more so from suicide blame seems to be the first emotion attached or looked for, with the mental trauma being one of those that keeps on giving. 

I found myself making excuses not to race and train, even once the physical injuries were being managed if not resolved, and for the first time in over 30 years of running I found I had lost that love of the one constant in my life, be that either running away from problems or to solve problems, running had always been a huge part of my life and now my identity seemed to have been rewritten finding I had lost my place in the world. 

So...... Lee gave up on me having any confidence into entering a race and allowing me to beat myself up that 'my time was rubbish in comparison to my previous results', that 'I used to be able to compete', that 'I was a has been', that 'running used to be the only area of my life that seemed to be of any success', that 'I had lost my identity' etc etc...... he's heard a lot of this and totally took me out of my comfort zone by entering us into the 'Three Peaks Yacht Race'

The Three Peaks Yacht Race was sold to me (once i was already entered) that it was no more than a 1/2 marathon and nothing to worry about......I've since done a little research! 

'The Three Peaks Yacht Race is one of the oldest and most remarkable extreme multi-sport endurance races in the world. This classic sporting event combining sailing, running and cycling, challenges intrepid teams to sail from the mid-Wales coastal resort of Barmouth, up the west coast of the UK, to finish in Fort William.  On the way they will scale the highest peaks in Wales, England and Scotland'.

I think I may have been missold!!!!!

So from literally nothing (but mental scarring) over the last 2.5years to sailing (I've never been on a yacht) to cycling and then running up the National Three Peaks of Snowdon, Scafell and Ben Nevis I think I'm going to be seriously challenged- I hope our team have shares in ear plugs!!!!!! 

Luckily for me we have brilliant experience in our crew with our skippers Dave Bird, Geoff West and John Williams to (hopefully she says) sail Lee and I safely to each port for the runs to start, this could be a very steep learning curve for me, I wonder if I get sea sick and wobbly legs???? at least i'll have something to blame my lack of performance upon if so!!

This part of my research didn't scare me at all.......'The race draws competitors from a wide variety of sporting backgrounds and sailing experience, ranging from off-shore cruising to round-the-world racing" there didn't seem to be any mention of 'no sailing experience'....

The links with the sea and mental health were not lost upon me, that feeling that you're lost at sea with no land in sight, or on a rollercoaster of waves riding the crest to being sucked back down, the continued strength required to climb the wave repeatedly, and survive each knock.  In how to prepare for a race like this as in life, with no parallels to draw upon, in having the courage to lean upon someone else's strength and experience and to have the courage to try and the courage to survive if failure occurs. 

This seeming to be the perfect link to once again throw myself (not literally I hope) overboard into a challenge of fundraising with no idea of the outcome, with our crew I'm going to attempt in optimism being the way forwards as life continues its journey North again! 

I am still on that mission and Lee with me to prevent more deaths from suicide to prevent others experiencing what we have, supporting CALM provides someone to talk to and may just be that lifeline that literally saves a life, be kind, and keep on talking.

Lots of hugs as always with me even if virtually

Shelli, Lee, and our saviours the skippers/crew Dave, Geoff and John  xx

https://www.threepeaksyachtrace.co.uk/lets-run

The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is leading a movement against suicide, the single biggest killer of men under the age of 45 in the UK.Anyone can hit crisis point. CALM run a free and confidential helpline and webchat 7 hours a day, 7 days a week for anyone who needs to talk about lifes problems.