My Story

As most people who know me know I am a police response officer. I have been in this role for nearly 5 years and my job is so varied. Being a response officer means I respond mainly to 999 calls from the public. Myself and my team arrive to help people at some of their lowest times, with our own safety being put in jeopardy regularly.

Most people experience 1 or 2 really traumatic events throughout their lifetime. An average officer will experience between 400 to 500 traumatic events in their career. That's just whilst at work, not including the home environment and personal problems to overcome. These events are sometimes so horrific that the general public wouldnt believe they have happened, and they take their toll on even the toughest of officers.

During my 5 years I have been attacked numerous times, spat at and spat on, sworn at, called a PIG, told I am useless and that everything is my fault, being told I have ruined peoples lives, threatened, had things thrown at me, attended horrific deaths, had to tell families that loved ones are dead, attended serious RTCs where people have died and so many other incidents, some ridiculous and some horrific.

This has taken its toll on me both physically and mentally. This happens to most officers at some point where they are just at their wits end and have meltdowns with both their physical and mental health. In the last 2 years I have suffered with some severe mental health issues, which I initially kept to myself due to feeling I would be laughed at, ridiculed or not believed. I carried on and plodded through life, telling myself I would be ok. I wasnt. I began to have severe panic attacks that felt like a heart attack. I was breathless, sweating, throwing up and sometimes just so terrified of going into work, because I knew what was facing me. This is my dream job and I have worked so hard to get to where I am, but it seemed I just wasnt cut out for the job. Luckily that wasnt true, however my mental health issues are still at the forefront of my life and I am trying to manage them.

Dealing with death, destruction, violence, vulnerability, neglect and depravity everyday would have a negative effect on anybody. I have finally realised that it is not just me who feels this way, it is a large percentage of the police force. I'm not on my own, which is a comfort, but getting through each day is tough at times. When I'm not at work I'm thinking about work, having nightmares every night about work, wondering what will be waiting for me when I went back, hoping my colleagues who were on shift when I was off were ok and safe. I am also extra vigilante when out and about. I cant switch off, I notice every little thing that happens when I am out on my days off. It is a trait of police officers that we cannot rest or relax at times. We are always hyper vigilante and switched on and just keep going through the cycle of lack of sleep or rest, then getting through our shifts the best way we can.

As well as the above, and there is so much more I cant go into detail about, I have also let my mental health affect my home life. My long term relationship broke down during the height of my issues and I had to try and struggle to ensure I kept doing right by my kids and family, whilst juggling the stresses of finding my own place, whilst trying to keep up my standards at work.

I have also seen my eldest daughter struggle with anorexia, which is heartbreaking and I blame myself. It is a constant worry and struggle to ensure she eats and stays healthy, something which our entire family are now suffering with. And as not many people know, my youngest daughter struggled with epilepsy in her younger years. She had major seizures which stopped her breathing. She was seemingly close to death numerous times and it is just something myself and my family have had to put up with and get through. Sadly, since my mental health has deteriorated, these past issues have come to the forefront of my mind again as I have clearly not dealt with it emotionally. So my struggles all came at once and hit me like a tonne of bricks, knocked me to my absolute lowest and had me seriously contemplating suicide.

I still struggle, I still have major wobbles, I cry and shout and get angry.......but I have hope and I have support from plenty of people around me, good people who also struggle and who can understand how my mind has broken and needs to be repaired.

So.........on to the main reason behind this post.......I have recently been referred to a charity called The Police Treatment Centres. I spent 2 weeks at their site in Harrogate this month, and my god how I needed it. I was pampered, waited upon, had counselling, had massages and other therapy, had swimming and the gym and exercise classes all free. I was fed 3 healthy meals a day. I was finally able to relax for the first time in months and recuperate. I was given tools and techniques to try and cope with my mental health issues and have also been told it is likely I have PTSD. This has opened up other treatments that may help me recover in the long run. I was made to realise that I am good enough, that I'm a good police officer, a good person and a good dad. The place was just amazing and is there for me throughout my career from now on. I can also use the place once I retire.

Sadly the only income for the PTC is through donations and they require £5 million per year to keep running at 2 sites. I cant stress enough how amazing they all are. They have literally saved officers lives and continue to do so daily. They support the officers and their families too. I want to do my part and try to repay them for what they do for us as officers and personally how they have helped me. I will be raising as much money as possible for them over the next few months, starting with taking part in this charity football match on 14th May at Glanford Park.

Thankyou for visiting my page and putting up with my essay. Any donation, no matter how small, would be really appreciated and would be helping an amazing charity.

Liam