In 2011 I was diagnosed with severe depression, my life felt like it had spiraled out of control into an endless pit of darkness, this hauled me down a path of self harm and over eating. My self harm soon escalated until I was Cutting deep horrible words into my arm, even to this day is still have the faint scarring of 'hate' across my wrist, luckily my cuts slowly but surely faded. Every time I look towards my wrist the feeling of regret and pain hits me, I regret every scar I created and wish I had never done that. Luckily it has been 18 months since I last cut myself, thanks to the help from a university research team that was looking into why children self harmed, their name was 'SHIFT'. I was one of hundreds of teenagers that were in the study and was offered free family counselling that ended September of this year.
Now before I was offered my counselling I put up a huge struggle alongside my mum to find a counselor, Every time I reached out for help, to find some support and stability I was pushed aside, I had tried multiple teen support groups and the doctors that offered counselling and I was put down as I was 'outside the area' or 'just over the age limit'. I was even offered a place for counselling over the phone and rang me up a few minutes later saying they'd made a mistake and were unable to help me, even though I had confessed I was suicidal and thought I couldn't cope any longer.
I struggled by with my first few months of college,but it had gotten too much that even creating a simple diagram of the heart had me flooded with tears as it wouldn't turn out right, in that instance I had ripped it up and couldn't control myself. I felt as though I had failed, I'm glad that on that night I had my mothers arms around me, telling me it would be OK, even though I knew it wouldn't.
All my depression, my anger and hatred stems back to when I was 10 years old, this was the age my biological father started abusing me.