WHEN WORDS AREN'T ENOUGH.......hey everyone, hope you are well... Our little baba Izaac arrived early at 32wks weighing just 4lb5.5oz on 29th June 2012 and was admitted to Craigavon Neonatal Intensive Care Unit until he was strong enough to come home.

After trying for a baby for 2 1/2 years, on the 23rd December 2011 we found out I was pregnant. It was the best christmas present we could have hoped for. I was ecstatic. It felt amazing, having this little life inside me. At my first scan, when we saw the baby on the screen, it made our dream become a reality. We both cried.

However....

 

The excitement of becoming parents for the 1st time soon turned to a very daunting period of our lives. When on thursday 28th June I started to take pains which at first I put down to braxton hinks until by that evening they were getting stronger and coming more often. At the hospital the nurse asked if I was feeling any pain, which I was. She then asked if the pain was every 10 minutes or so, which it was. I didn’t realise that the pains could be contractions, it just didn’t occur to me. Then they told me I was 4cm dilated – I was so shocked. I didn’t want to give birth to my baby yet, he wasn’t ready. I had to get steroid injections incase my babies lungs hadn't developed and they give me medication to try a stop or at least slow down the labour. My husband and I were so frightened. I knew that at 32 weeks, my baby was on the edge of being able to survive if he was born. I just wanted to go home and carry on being pregnant. At one point, because I knew he wasn’t supposed to be born, I lied and said I wasn’t feeling any contractions. I think I was hoping it would all stop if I pretended it wasn’t happening. Soon after that, the labour got more painful. An our beautiful son Izaac was born at 8.10am on 29th June 2012. He weighed 4lb 5.5oz. They took him straight away, there were at least 10 doctors and nurses around him. I was so scared. Philip kissed me, and said ‘thank you for giving me such a beautiful baby’. I only had a quick look at our baby before they took him away to neonatal care – I remember there was a light over him, and lots of tubes and wires. He was so, so tiny. 

It was so difficult being wheeled up onto the ward where all the other mums had their little babies and I had only got to see mine for a few seconds. I remember crying and crying, my heart was breaking, all I wanted to do was hold my baby and protect him but I couldn't it was out on my hands I felt so helpless. 

When we first saw Izaac, in the neonatal unit, I sobbed so hard. He was so tiny and fragile in this ugly big machine, beeping and making all these other unpleasant sounds. I remember looking around a seeing all these other little babies in all these machines. I felt numb, but at the same time I knew I was going to do anything to make sure my baby survived. I wasn’t allowed to hold him because he was on a ventilator, and that was very hard. His skin looked thin, almost transparent, and he was so tiny. I felt helpless.

When he came off the ventilator the next day, I held him for the first time. They call it kangaroo care, because you put your baby directly onto your skin. It helps you to bond, and helps regulate your baby’s temperature. When I did that for the first time it felt as though everything was all right, and this was how things were supposed to be. Nothing else matters, you’re a mother. It was the best feeling. Even now, nothing can beat that moment, it was amazing.

 Days turned into weeks of sitting at our son's beside in hospital helplesly watching him fight for his life, suffering invasive procedures that were nescessary for his survival. The look of the scary but lifesaving machines along with their constant beepng are images and sounds that i will never forget. 

Sometimes I used to get cross at the nurses, but I realised later that it wasn’t really anger, it was probably more jealously. I wanted to touch my baby when I wanted but I wasn’t allowed to, and they were. Soon though I started getting involved in everything – feeding and washing him. It was scary because he was so fragile, but I also felt proud to be doing it. I was expressing breastmilk so that we could feed him through his feeding tubes. 

Talking to the other parents in the unit was the big help for me. They’re the only people who can understand. It was a great support.

As the days passed we started to get optimistic, but the doctors told us that Izaac still needed a lot of special care, and we should take each day as it comes.

Finally, Izaac came home on 22nd July 2012, a month before his due date. He proved to be a real wee fighter, amazing the doctors with his progress. It was phenomenal, the best moment of our lives – joint first with holding him for the first time! We were on our own for the first time, just our little family. We were seeing him as we’d imagined, lying in his Moses basket. I spent the whole evening weeping, I was so happy.

Having a premature baby is something you don’t expect to happen to you. The whole experience has ignited a passion in me to help premature babies get the best chance they can by raising money for tinylife. 

It was a rollarcoaster journey that caused us to experience high levels of anxiety, stress and worry. Everybody connected to the unit were fantastic. They all did much more than their job. One day it all got too much for me and I just sat in the middle of the ward and cried. A nurse came up to me and gave me a big hug – that meant so much. They also talked really positively about the babies. One nurse looked at Izaac in his tiny incubator and said, ‘He’ll be a good footballer, he kicks so much!’ He actually is a good kicker, he hasn’t stopped since. So as a token of our appreciation for the round the clock care Izaac recieved and the invaluble support we recieved, myself and a few friends have decided to take part in 'Operateion Lipstick 2013' a one day ladies only event in castlewellan that include wall climbing, raft racing and orienteering on a lake. 

thanks for taking the time to visit my JustGiving page.

Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving – they’ll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they’ll send your money directly to the charity and make sure Gift Aid is reclaimed on every eligible donation by a UK taxpayer. So it’s the most efficient way to donate - I raise more, whilst saving time and cutting costs for the charity.

So please dig deep and donate now.