It all began 2 years ago when I decided to encourage an FMC choir (The Rolling Tones) to enter the incredible VSA's Sing Sing Sing challange (Also to raise money for mental health).  Some came willingly and some were forced (including my devoted chums) but none of us could have ever imagined how special and for me just how life changing the experience was to be.  

Sadly half way through rehearsing for the final show it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to hide from friends and family that I was in trouble.  My DEMONS, I had so cunningly managed to hide under a little rug at the back of my brain, were becoming too ginourmous to cover up.  The rug was full.  A mixed bag of sleep deprivation, excess self medication and increasing pressures at work had literally stolen the twinkle from my eyes, the smile on my lips and the positivity of my heart.  Im sure you can imagine just how devastated I was to realise half way through taking part in an  incredible funraising event to raise money for mental health that I too was suffering a mental health issue.  

I had gone from the confident life and soul of the party to a shaddow of my former self.  Scared to call anyone, be in loved ones company or even stand in the Asda que through fear that people would sus it out and think I was a freak.  Afterall what the hell did I have to worry about?  An INCREDIBLE family, a spunky, loving and devoted husband, amazing friends and a hard but good paying job?  I'd lie awake at night worrying about everything and nothing.  The smallest of things seemed catastophic and I had to force feed myself for months through fear I'd pass out, again exposing my secret.  I painted on my smile and regularly hid in the toilet at work to give myself pep talks in the mirror.  Asking why the hell I wasnt coping with such a beautiful life?  

I stopped listening to music, my one true passion through fear that if i was having an OK day, a sad tune could plumit me back into my depression pit.  I stopped cooking through fear it would turn out wrong and encourage my suicidal thoughts and even managed to convince myself I'd forgotten how to drive.  Hell there were days I didnt want to wash, put on makeup or get dressed. 

It was during the 6 harbour walk whilst trecking along the stunning cliff sides of Portsoy and Buckie that it truly hit me how bad thigs had gotton.  Every waking moment had became so painful I just wanted to slip off the cliff side. 

It was the actions of my spectacular Husband and Family that helped me see the light.  They always left their lights on for me.  No matter how long it had been since I had last called or how vacant I had been when they had just had their first baby, something I struggle to forgive myself for every day.  

I was forced to face my demons head on and signed off for 18 weeks with depression and anxiety.  I was prescribed pretty heavy medication for roughly a year along with sleep medication and I slep for roughly 3 weeks non stop.  Getting up occasionaly to eat, pee or cry. :)  I was refered for a 10 week block of couciling and I took it upon myself to indulge in 3 self help books.  The first one being an audio book as I couldnt for love nor money have been capable of reading ANYTHING at the start of my recovery.  

I am exstatic to say that what started as an incredibly long and painful journey of 1 step forward and 3 steps back has transformed into me not only getting the sparkle in my eyes back, but with the help of friends and family I have managed to rebuild and mould my life into something even more beautiful than the original version.  These people know who they are and this night helps pay tribute to you for keeping me safe and here.  Words cant express my gratitude.  

I still to this day carry propanalol around in my purse.  I rarely need it but knowing its their is sometimes just enough.  

After recently losing another loved one to suicide I decided to put on my big girl pants and share the most painful story of my life so far.  I have chosen to bare my soul not for sympathy but to raise awareness, shed 7 :) some light and let others know it is OK not to be OK.  Most of us will go through periods where we feel like we are chasing rainbows but why is it that we are so capable of telling each other when we have a broken leg and yet we continue to struggle to share when we have a broken mind/soul?  

Please please please join me in raising as many pennies as we can for this vital cause as it just may save a persons life!

Get your M2RMentalHealth tickets at and or dig deep and donate now!!!!

Thanks in advance 

The still a little mental but the much happier Laura xxx