I suffer from complex P.T.S.D. So simple a statement but the reality was devastating . 

Fortunately mostly recovered now because I was able to call on the help of the Fire Fighters Charity. The NHS being overwhelmed and ill-equipped to offer any meaningful help.

Dr Lesley Walker of Heswall and Pensby Group Practice was the catalyst to my recovery. We had exhausted all the tests and possibilities of my sleep/severe tiredness problems when she asked me a simple question. 'Was there anything troubling me?' She must have seen something in my expression and held my hand and said 'tell me'. That simple act allowed me to confess to my nightmares and dark thoughts and open the road to my recovery.

So, I joined Merseyside Fire and Rescue in 1975 aged 21 and was discharged 20 years later due to an injury on duty. Ironically this injury was caused by training to be a P.T. instructor . I snapped my Achilles tendon and was unable to get sufficient use back into my leg to function as a firefighter. This had no impact on my mental condition. That damage occurred over the preceding 20 years with several incidents that were to cause the havoc. 

It remained dormant until about 10 years ago from when my decline was slow but steady. That story is too long to tell but if you listen to 'Crawling' by Linkin Park and visualise the despair that is evoked, that was my daily life. Unmanned and unworthy.

The Charity were able to offer me a weeks rehabilitation at one of their centres with one to one sessions of psychiatric help. The treatment E.M.D.R. was brutal and mentally exhausting but very effective. Because of the complexity of my case I needed to return for another week. They were able to allow my wife to stay with me to enable me to be supported 24 hours even though a nurse was always on hand.

There are still triggers that bring the nightmares back but I am now able to confront them.

The Charity also helps firefighters and their families recover from injuries and offers rehabilitation to that end.

Their facilities are constantly filled with men and women who have given more than their time to do their job and I want to give back in whatever way I can to help support them.

I don't know if I am mentally strong enough for this challenge but that is the point of it. I need to know!

As for physically strong enough, I don't know that either, but I will do my best.

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