Well here I go again, having sworn that London 2014 was my last marathon. However, training took a knock with an agonising neck and shoulder problem for which I had to have cortisone injections and I had a complete mare on the day, heat, emotion, trapped nerve in my butt...those are my excuses for a shoddy 5.18 when I was aiming for under 5 hours anyway. So I'm tackling London 2018 even though the thought of running 9 miles in the dark after work fills me with dread!

After my first marathon, I was standing in the sun, stretching and basking in the glory of having run 26 miles and 385 yards. I received a text with my official time, 5 hours 9 seconds. Dom said "gutting, you could have run ten seconds faster and had a sub 5 hour marathon". In that moment I wanted to rip his bollocks off, but he was right.

Dom's fund is up to about £82k, please help us get to £100k. My last fundraising ask was to sponsor me in memory of Dom, "I run for my wonderful husband, I run because he struggled and fought even when he was exhausted. I run because if he could, he would. I run in memory of the most wonderful person I have ever met".

All of that still stands, but this time I'm also running for me. I'm running for how far I've come when some days I couldn't, and sometimes still, can barely muster the energy to get out of bed and, in some of the darkest days since he died, I wanted to just curl up and die too. That doesn't mean I'm ok now, I don't even know what "ok" post the death of a partner would feel like. The four years since Dom died have been bewildering, exhausting, anxiety riddled, bleak, and sometimes incredibly lonely, which is not something I find comfortable admitting, but there, I've said it.

I'm incredibly lucky that I have lots of people to do something with, but I miss my person, I miss my person that I could do nothing with and in that doing of nothing, feel utter contentment. It's actually really bizarre some of the things you miss about someone when they're gone. Dom and I would argue over what to have for dinner almost every night, I would want a takeaway, Dom would insist on making use of the items in the freezer "Dude. Crap from the freezer is for when there's a zombie invasion or virus outbreak". I would genuinely give my left arm to have an evening with him playing defrosted lucky (unlucky!) dip.

But, since he died there have also been many moments of laughter, exhilaration, happiness and dare I say it, hope. I still desperately want and try to feel those things, I refuse to be sad and bitter and give up even when so many of my instincts sometimes push me in that direction. But the journey to feeling those things again is not easy. Watching someone you love die, especially prematurely, changes you irrevocably.

And, starting over at 36 when you thought you had everything you had ever wanted and needed is a minefield. It sends you completely haywire, your confidence, self esteem, sense of self was all connected to this person and partnership. Oh, now it's just me. In the last four years I have made a lot of mistakes. Sometimes I have conversations in my head with Dom and he says "what the bloody hell are you doing?", I used to argue back and justify myself but recently I've stopped. I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm trying to find my way in a completely un familiar landscape where the terrain and weather changes without warning.

So I don't really know where I'm going, but I hope to get there in style, with passion and energy. The strength to do that undoubtedly comes from the wonderful man I was with for ten years and ten days, who I am privileged wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We didn't get to do that, but I'm sure as hell going to try and make the rest of my life as memorable, precious, special and let's face it, vaguely ridiculous, as possible, and I guess a few mistakes here and there are par for the course.

P.S all the money raised will go to support his surgeon Richard Cohen's work at UCLH to find cures for bowel cancer and other bowel diseases. I'm really proud to now call this man my friend, we have lunch every few months and he tells me what he's up to with all the dosh we throw him, let's give him a load more!

P.P.S. wow the ego is strong here, the fundraising element was a P.S!