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1 in 4 pregnancies will result in a miscarriage. Investigations will only take place after 3 concurrent miscarriages and in most cases will not reveal a definitive cause. Funding for this type of research has never been high priority and miscarriage itself is largely treated like a taboo or insensitive subject that is not openly talked about.  

However the effects of miscarriage are very traumatic. From experience of having 2 concurrent miscarriages I can tell you, it shatters your soul. Tommy's charity specialises in baby loss and prevention with dedicated staff tailored to offer support in all situations regarding miscarriage or baby loss. Personally I have lent upon members of the Facebook group peer to peer support group, have been offered support and offered my own. I have listened to many story's and shared the grief of other hopeful parents.

Please visit my YouTube channel for a short video piece about my story and why I'm so passionate about raising awareness for Tommy's charity.

https://youtu.be/WP8AtCvtMwE

Trigger warning below is our story please do not read if you feel it may cause you additional trauma.

*This is not a happy story, it's harsh and it's life but there is still love, so much love. My wife is a beautiful inspirational heroic woman*

May 7th 2018 Tuesday afternoon after trying for many years we were finally expecting. My first reaction "let's go the asda and get some dog food" 

Yeah not what you expected? The overwhelming disbelief I needed the extreme normality and mundanity of a trip to the asda to let it sink in. We bought about 20 tests to make sure it was all true. We phoned a midwife even though it was only 3 weeks at most. We got told to sit tight and wait for an appointment at the 6 week point 😅. We didn't know what to do so we nervously carried on and fretted excited and scared. 

We had an early scan at 7 weeks that did not reveal much the lady believed we had mismatched our dates about 2 weeks and thats why they could not find a heart beat but everything looked ok. 

Weeks passed we were due our first scan, we started to get some spotting. Terrified we tentively went to a and e it was a Saturday after some hours of bloods we were told so close to scan it was not worth doing an early scan and everything would probably be fine. Still nervous and unable to settle we again booked last minute for a reassurance scan at a private scan centre. Il never forget the moment we were told our baby had no heart beat till my dying day. The moment we both lost a piece of our own heart, how kind the nurse was and how numb it all felt. The agony of having to walk out through a room of expecting parents trying to hold the shattered pieces of ourselves together till we reached the car. 

I phoned around people to let them know I. Held my pain locked it away and got things done, I did what I thought was my duty I sorted things I did the mundane household chores, I took the dog for a walk I protected my wife held her and wiped her tears as I held my own. Stubborn afraid to face the reality whilst pretending I was at peace with the reality. A man made of broken glass held together by will, afraid to show weakness and vulnerability and now I know that's probably what my wife needed most.  

We had an official scan at the hospital, we heard our baby had no heart beat. The words held less force this time, the world moves on we had to move on. We were given options, we opted for medical management. We were not prepared, they say it's like a heavy period, fortunately I have never had to experience either but I have seen my wife cope with periods and this was not that and if I could have swapped places and took that pain I would have in a heartbeat, for the sheer want of taking away her suffering and pain and because selfishly it would remove the feeling of being so useless as I sat with her rubbing her back and wiping away her sweat. 

E3 a gaming conference it was on during this time, my wife made me watch each night and chat to my friends and get excited it seems hollow but she wanted normality. (I told you she was a hero) she bought me a really expensive game for my birthday I broke down because I knew it all meant nothing and I'd give up all my possesions to have that moment back when we would be parents but I let her buy me it because she wanted to do something to make me feel better to make her feel better. 

Time passed, she would and still feels waves of grief and I do my best to offer comfort. I eventually broke down about 7 months later, everything crumbled and the grief caught up with me, she was my rock. I cried and howled and blubbered and I'm not ashamed and she held me, I'd had a dream, I held my son and then I woke up and I was a man who had suffered a miscarriage in the eyes of the world I was not a parent.

Later that year, we had another miracle, just over a year after our first tragedy we were pregnant again. There was more worry this time, we bought supplements we changed habits, I stopped my wife doing anything that might jeopardise this pregnancy. After a few weeks it all got too much, we had an early scan to reassure and after a long minute in that room we had a strong heart beat and the world started moving again. I wept. This was it. Just before the 12 week scan, spotting we had a reassurance scan I sat in that chair I held my wife's hand and I wept because there was no heart beat. 

That was just over a year ago, coming up to the date I lost control, I started feeling like I was back in that room I was trapped in that moment and I was being told my baby had no heartbeat again and again. I told my wife, and she held me and she said that's how I feel all the time and we just held each other.

This is not a happy story, but there is love. I don't know what the future holds, but I know our story is a sadly a common story, it's not one that told more muttered in hushed circles, its strange how people don't talk about miscarriage given how common it is. 

This is our story, it's not a happy story. But there is so much love. My wife is my hero x 

Last year we raised £1350! Thank you so much! This year I aim to try an beat that achievement with your help. As the goal is bigger so must be the challenge therefore this year it's going to be a bit different.

Day 1 friday the 23 of july I will walk and complete the Wirral way, this route is approximately 13.5 miles

Day 2 Saturday 24th of july 10am I will conduct again like last year a 24 hour gaming marathon live on twitch. Giveaways included (prizes tbc)

Day 3 Sunday 18:00pm (after a sleep) I will hold a small candle lit vigil down Moreton shore to remember the 1 in 4.

This will conclude this year's fundraiser 

You can watch along on http://twitch.tv/old_man_junky

Thank you for your support.

❤️

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