So, in the spirit of good faith and in relation to the cause I am raising money for, it is only correct that I give my story and BE OPEN.

Firstly I did not enter this race just to raise for a specific cause, I entered it for myself, nothing more, nothing less, this is my crusade, it just seemed the challenge was worthy of also trying to help others, in what every way possible.

Secondly, what ever you think of the below, my life now is very good and I am very happy in the most and the very fact I am doing this challenge and committing myself to the cause and to telling all of you my story is testament to the fact that I am now getting there, and its good, I like this feeling.

So, I am not after any aahs or hope you're oks, because I am OK, but maybe someone recognises something I may write or it may inspire them to aim for a goal themselves then that is the reason for being open.

A lot of my close friends will know more about me than the majority reading this, and for those that know me as a friend rather than a close friend, may be surprised at what they read, that guy travelling, socialising, seeming free of worry would have been through, and still is going through and always will.This, however is the key, you cant tell, your best friend may not feel he or she can tell you, they may think it will change their opinion of you, - so often, when people greet you they ask something like "are you ok" in a given tone, without a chance for someone to say, "well actually, no" so now, if I hear any tone that says differently then i try to ask" no, are you ok?" and that can be the catalyst for someone to talk. The fact is that some things and traits never leave you and sometimes it takes something, anything, to realise that even though you did what ever you wanted, when you wanted, had a great time, you were in fact doing nothing and going nowhere - you were in a rut, not just in your habits, but in your head, experiences, emotions and moments were passing you by - I always remember a couple of moments in my old local where theses thoughts hit me, my friends (very good ones still to this day) would love how I could be out all day, from opening to shut and lock in, what a life which I enjoyed to the fullest, yet there was me on occasion, wishing I had something or someone to go home to, like what they had and I was just filling time and my stomach.

There was also the "other" thing, no need to go into what it was but it took over my life from a very early age and for the next 30 years or so, was my GO TO place - the place where misery gave you a big hug and open arms as soon as you entered the doors or, in later years, opened the app.

There is a reason why you do anything and everything, from the smallest decision such as what you eat for dinner, to the larger ones that have a ripple effect throughout your life, there are the "what ifs" the "sliding door" moments, ultimately, we are all responsible for the decisions we make, good or poor.

I discovered that although my physical fitness was good and from the outside my laugh was loud and my mood was good, all was not ok with my mental state - I couldn't understand why I would sabotage my goals when I got so close to the end. The fact is that failure was comfortable and my close friend, I knew where I stood with failing and I was unsure as to what could be achieved by realising a goal, how would I feel if I succeeded? How would I control these new feelings? Change is scary, so lets stick with what I knew.
With failure came the knowledge that a good friend would say "well you gave it a shot" - lets set the bar higher next time shall we so we can fail bigger.
Gradually I came to realise that I cant move on with my "mate" on my shoulder and I realised that my physical state meant nothing if my mental state was not in synch with everything else.
So I have set a bigger goal, this goal, this goal that would have been inconceivable just 2 years ago, and it is one I intend to do, it is, for me, just a different level to anything I have done or attempted, and one, most people, would not dream of, it will take strength, physical fitness, endurance, persistence, tenacity but most of all, it will mean I am spending a lot of very lonely time with MYSELF and all my little devils on the shoulder telling me to quit, there will be very dark moments, but dealing with them is the key to the success of this, not how fast or how far I ride a day.

Thankfully I have never fully needed somebody like CALM, I have been close and I have visited some very dark places and had some very lonely companions as friends, but I know plenty of people who would have benefitted from the Charity and a couple of them are no longer with us, because they couldn't cope with what ever the demand were, or were too manly to speak up and the fear of speaking scared them more the thought of not.

I have battled for the vast majority of my life with not feeling fulfilled and with sudden black clouds hitting me from absolutely nowhere, in fact the last time was this weekend when I was on a Majorcan Stag Trip - I just had to sit on my own and deal with a cloud that hot me from nowhere, watching the world go by and wondering why they looked happier than me. I was very good at disguising the fact I was having a mad time of it, and to an extent I don't regret that, but it cloaked what was going on and now I want that feeling of achieving a goal, of finishing something I started and for once, not giving myself any reason to say I cant do this! Ultimately I know I can do anything I set my mind to, always have been able to, I just chose not to, because, as mentioned before, not achieving was more familiar.

If some awareness can come of this, if it inspires someone to set a goal they would consider absurd, if it makes someone go to a gym, if it makes them set a goal, however small or large, if it just resonates, or of can get them out of a ever revolving door then I will be happy.

If it is someone who I don't know, who has come across this message and it helps them or it makes them sit back and think or make a call then good.

The challenge I am doing is mine, but the cause I am raising awareness money for is everybodies, if you don't want to give money then fine, the make a call, send a message to ask someone you know, who you know is low, ask them if they are ok?

And for anyone reading this and you want to talk - the  I promise I will listen, I will not judge, just listen - you are NOT alone.

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The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is leading a movement against male suicide, the single biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK. Our goal is a life less miserable for you, your friends, your family and for all men.CALM PROVIDES>A free and anonymous helpline 0800 585858 and webchat (5pm-12am daily) staffed by trained professionals>Bereavement support >A website www.theCALMzone.net with inspiring content by men for men>Campaigns tackling stereotypes of masculinity, suicide and male mental health.Help us save lives.