Yasmin Salt
Yasmin's Purge the Urge
Fundraising for Beat
Story
As it's Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I've decided to set myself a very important and VERY difficult challenge. One of which I will carry on for a month to give time to raise my goal of £500 (£50 per year since my Eating Disorder developed).
There's only so many times I can brush myself down, until this illness destroys any tiny cell of hope I have left in me... I really need raising money and awareness, as my reason to stop binging and purging on evenings. It's killing my dreams, my finances, and my reasons to live.
Since my overdose back in October, when I was in hospital in Leeds for Anorexia, before I was transferred home, Bulimia has crept back in - full force.
I can't even begin to explain the pain and the shame that has come with this and has haunted 98% of the days since then, when I've wasted, disgustingly, so much money, had my head over the toilet multiple times, most days of every week.
But now I no longer look emaciated, I'm fine, right? This bit is so difficult to deal with.
Bulimia is not taken as seriously as Anorexia. Disappointingly, for mental health services as a whole and the public, that is a true fact. And I can completely understand why. But weirdly, although Anorexia is treated so suddenly with importance as the threat to life because of physical complications - yet with Bulimia, I've felt more suicidal than I ever was during my Anorexic phases. And if we're honest, with the strain or purging on the heart, you could die from a heart attack at any time.
So to me, there's probably just as much chance, if not more, of me dying from MENTAL (especially) and physical issues of Bulimia, than of me during my lowest weight.
To me, it's given me the most mental pain and torture than Anorexia ever has. But on the outside I look 'fine' in comparison with my past.
What people don't know so much is that my Eating Disorder began with Bulimia, back when I was 18, before I thought I was finally beginning to 'think' I was in control, by losing weight and allowing Anorexia to take over. Almost 10 years ago, this soul-destroying illness crept in, and during my yo-yo relationship with food, has taken the driver seat after and before multiple relapses of Anorexia.
Over 10 years, I've never known a long enough period of time, to say that I feel and am 'stable' with my recovery. But sadly, for others to see, they're too relieved that you have restored your weight to understand that your life is still in danger and every day is still a battle.
Because you can no longer see my bones, people congratulate me on how well I'm doing. What they don't see is me with my head over the toilet, too many times to count, most nights a week. They don't see or feel the dread of waking up every morning and having to clean the toilet, and the kitchen, yet again, to throw away the wrappers that to look at throw so much guilt to smother my brain.
I've decided to set a goal of £500 to raise, because it's £50 per year since my Eating Disorder developed.
To put things into perspective, the only nights I haven't binged and purged since October, is the very few nights I have stayed away with family, which was difficult in itself... and about 4 nights maximum, when I've been on my own. And due to this, have taken 3 more overdoses.
So this is a truly MASSIVE deal, but fundraising is my way of committing to my recovery. I will be documenting my thoughts on my blog, which I originally found very helpful during latest inpatient admission for Anorexia.
You can read and follow this at:
www.fullportions.com
I understand that, if I do conquer the binging and purging, there could be the risk of 'feeling in control' again and therefore turning to restricting and weight control. (much of which has happened in the past) This is why, I have set myself the 'rule' to continue with consistent and sufficient eating of 3 meals and 3 snacks a day and with the aim of keeping my BMI in the 'healthy' range. There could also be the risk that I struggle with my emotions, so could turn to overdosing which has crept in too, so for this challenge - this is also ruled out in order for me to complete my month's challenge.
If you've read all of this, thank you so much.
And please, if you have an Eating Disorder, it doesn't matter what you weigh. Your struggle is STILL just as valid. You are important. If food is destroying your life, and your world feels like it's shrinking - seek help, and until then, never stop talking to the people you trust because it's a battle you can't expect yourself to win alone.
Any donation towards my fundraising project is extremely appreciated, no matted how small. Thank you!
Yaz x
There's only so many times I can brush myself down, until this illness destroys any tiny cell of hope I have left in me... I really need raising money and awareness, as my reason to stop binging and purging on evenings. It's killing my dreams, my finances, and my reasons to live.
Since my overdose back in October, when I was in hospital in Leeds for Anorexia, before I was transferred home, Bulimia has crept back in - full force.
I can't even begin to explain the pain and the shame that has come with this and has haunted 98% of the days since then, when I've wasted, disgustingly, so much money, had my head over the toilet multiple times, most days of every week.
But now I no longer look emaciated, I'm fine, right? This bit is so difficult to deal with.
Bulimia is not taken as seriously as Anorexia. Disappointingly, for mental health services as a whole and the public, that is a true fact. And I can completely understand why. But weirdly, although Anorexia is treated so suddenly with importance as the threat to life because of physical complications - yet with Bulimia, I've felt more suicidal than I ever was during my Anorexic phases. And if we're honest, with the strain or purging on the heart, you could die from a heart attack at any time.
So to me, there's probably just as much chance, if not more, of me dying from MENTAL (especially) and physical issues of Bulimia, than of me during my lowest weight.
To me, it's given me the most mental pain and torture than Anorexia ever has. But on the outside I look 'fine' in comparison with my past.
What people don't know so much is that my Eating Disorder began with Bulimia, back when I was 18, before I thought I was finally beginning to 'think' I was in control, by losing weight and allowing Anorexia to take over. Almost 10 years ago, this soul-destroying illness crept in, and during my yo-yo relationship with food, has taken the driver seat after and before multiple relapses of Anorexia.
Over 10 years, I've never known a long enough period of time, to say that I feel and am 'stable' with my recovery. But sadly, for others to see, they're too relieved that you have restored your weight to understand that your life is still in danger and every day is still a battle.
Because you can no longer see my bones, people congratulate me on how well I'm doing. What they don't see is me with my head over the toilet, too many times to count, most nights a week. They don't see or feel the dread of waking up every morning and having to clean the toilet, and the kitchen, yet again, to throw away the wrappers that to look at throw so much guilt to smother my brain.
I've decided to set a goal of £500 to raise, because it's £50 per year since my Eating Disorder developed.
To put things into perspective, the only nights I haven't binged and purged since October, is the very few nights I have stayed away with family, which was difficult in itself... and about 4 nights maximum, when I've been on my own. And due to this, have taken 3 more overdoses.
So this is a truly MASSIVE deal, but fundraising is my way of committing to my recovery. I will be documenting my thoughts on my blog, which I originally found very helpful during latest inpatient admission for Anorexia.
You can read and follow this at:
www.fullportions.com
I understand that, if I do conquer the binging and purging, there could be the risk of 'feeling in control' again and therefore turning to restricting and weight control. (much of which has happened in the past) This is why, I have set myself the 'rule' to continue with consistent and sufficient eating of 3 meals and 3 snacks a day and with the aim of keeping my BMI in the 'healthy' range. There could also be the risk that I struggle with my emotions, so could turn to overdosing which has crept in too, so for this challenge - this is also ruled out in order for me to complete my month's challenge.
If you've read all of this, thank you so much.
And please, if you have an Eating Disorder, it doesn't matter what you weigh. Your struggle is STILL just as valid. You are important. If food is destroying your life, and your world feels like it's shrinking - seek help, and until then, never stop talking to the people you trust because it's a battle you can't expect yourself to win alone.
Any donation towards my fundraising project is extremely appreciated, no matted how small. Thank you!
Yaz x