Ever since my  teenage years, I have struggled with “bouts of depression,” especially during the Autumn/Winter months. It’s something that I come to expect each year, but is something that I have always been able to pull myself out of.

However, this year has been the hardest year of my life. There have been a number of contributing factors as to why it’s been hard, but the past six months in particular, saw my mental health nose dive into severe depression. I am not ashamed to admit that there was a period of 6-8 weeks where I had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I’d even written my letter of goodbye and planned my funeral songs! Everyday was a struggle. I would put my ”game face” on at work and in public and get through what I needed to, but behind closed doors I was very much broken. I could not see a way out, I had lost all hope and lost the will to live.

After care and concern shown by family and friends, as a last resort, I went to my doctor. Whilst there is an amazing awareness of mental health issues in society today, I had told myself that I would be laughed at and told to “get on with it.” My mind had convinced me I was pathetic and a failure, so why would I expect any different from my doctor, someone who doesn’t even know me? I  sat down and my doctor asked  “what is the issue you have come to me about today?” I broke down into tears, and everything began spilling out. And you know what my doctor did? He listened. He didn’t laugh, he didn’t tell me to get on with it, he handed me a tissue and just let me get everything out, no matter how disjointed and sporadic my thoughts and feelings were being expressed.. 

Having studied antidepressants and antipsychotics at degree level, I was weary about taking medication. But I had exhausted all other ways of self-helping. Exercise and talking with people I trust did help me for a day or two, but I’d soon be spiralling further into a black hole of dark thoughts, seeing no way out, wanting to end things because I couldn’t go on any more. Medication was my final resort. My doctor listened to my concerns and reassured me, but he let me make the ultimate decision as to whether I take them. I knew I wanted to get better so I started to take them, and have been back every three weeks ever since to review my progress. All the while, being asked my opinion on whether I need to increase/decrease the dose, or change the type of drug. I am in control of this, my opinion matters. I’ve been blown away by the support of my doctor, I am so truly thankful for our NHS and the support we receive. Free or charge.

My doctor also made me a referral to Mind for counselling. As somebody with a psychology degree and a good understanding about how we think and feel, I felt I knew why I felt how I did, and felt I would be wasting Mind’s time by talking through my issues. But I was at rock bottom, scared that the different suicide scenarios I rehearsed in my head, would be played out for real. I needed help, so I took it. Within no time at all, I had my first appointment, and I am truly grateful this organisation exists. Again, free of charge.

Mind are simply amazing. From Day 1 I have felt safe and reassured with my counsellor. He has helped me peel back the layers about what I thought I knew about myself, and is helping me to rebuild me as a person. I felt broken beyond repair, but with Mind’s help, I feel I am healing, little by little. I could not face this journey alone and thanks to Mind, I don’t have to.

This is why I am taking part in RED January. This is my way of giving back to a charity who have saved my life. I hope that by you reading my story here, it will help raise even more awareness of the mental health support available to us,  and that my fundraising efforts will allow Mind to provide more services to people all over the UK who may feel like I have felt. 

I am going to run every day in January to raise this sponsorship money. I love a good run now and then, but running everyday will be a real challenge...especially during January in the cold and the rain! If my story has moved you in any way, please spare what you can (even just £1) and help me reach my fundraising goal for Mind. 1 in 4 of us suffer with mental health issues, you never know if it could be you. Thank you from the bottom of my healing heart (and mind), Jade x