Suicide happens, most often without warning. There are more reports it seems of Suicide all the time. You don't think it will happen with someone close to you .... until it does ... and it did.

On the 9th May 2019 I received that call that ripped my heart out. My brother Quentin, aged 38, had died by suicide. 💔 It is a day, that, will haunt me forever. 

Something happened that night, that just proved too much for Quentin. In his mind, which it is now obvious, was fragile and tormented, it was one thing more he couldn't deal with. As a family none of us will ever know what. People say suicide is selfish. Quentin wasn't selfish. Quentin wanted his pain to stop, he just couldn't see beyond that at that time. If I had got a message to be there, I would have been, Quentin knew that. If only I had got that message. If only in that moment he had known how much he was loved.

There will forever be a hole left in our family where he, the joker should be. The milestones in the family, including his own, that we are forced to live without him. With covid and lockdown we have been forced to face these at home, alone, unable to be together as a family. 

Quentin had his faults, some big, some bigger and some small. We have many moments we treasure. My boys will always say about when he ate the snail, not a restaurant,  just off of a piece of wood. Well one believed, the other not convinced 😂 The food consumed WOW ... even off a barbie plate, he wasn't fussed. Trying to convince our nan to drive it like she stole it. Constantly calling aunt Jane, old girl when in fact she's not that old and walking this with me! Racing my eldest son up like metal racking, swinging his leg like a grandad to get it high enough 😅. His stupid jokes 🙄  and so much more besides. He was a one off.

Life now is full of what ifs, if only, I wish, maybes and tears. It doesn't help though and most heartbreakingly it won't ever bring him back. It won't change anything for us. He will never have chance to sort things with his children. He will never be able to help aunt Jane and I with the olds which was always the plan. 

So what can we do? We can walk. We walked last year locally (due to covid) and raised over £2000 walking 13 miles. So what now? Let's do it again, although minus 2 walkers, in London, let's raise more money and let's walk 20 miles! Let's break this stigma! Lets get people the help they need to reach out, to be brave and strong to make that step. There is no shame in needing help! This mental health stuff is hard! Losing someone to suicide is harder! If we can help save one life, save a lifetime of pain for those left behind ... its the least we can do!

Auntie Jane its me and you forever! 💗

QUENTIN I LOVE YOU TILL THE END OF TIME! AND IM DOING THIS IN MEMORY OF YOU! 💙💔😭🧡