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August 2003 - 17 years ago - and I was pregnant with twins. We were so excited and proud that we had created this miracle having thought that I could not have babies. 

Finding out we were expecting twins was an extra joy; a shock, something special and an immense gift to us. 

Then came the growing belly - a party trick that I could lay on the floor and my swelling bump could move from side to side. I didn't think much of it, even laughed about the watery movement but luckily we had another scan coming up! The sonographer noticed that there was too much fluid around one of the babies and that the other one looked too small. We had been told about 'a very rare complication of twin pregnancy called Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. They feared that was what was happening to our tiny creations. We were 17 weeks pregnant. 

We were referred to the Harris Birthright Centre at Kings Hospital London from our local hospital in East Sussex. We spent a nervous and silent journey up to London followed by multiple scans and tests. The fluctuating mass on the screen became such a familiar image through the many hours of that day - Doplar colouration of blue and red blood flow frozen on the screen to allow the doctor to read the measurements. Two tiny people - without bladders and poor organ development. 

In walked Professor Nicholaides. A diminutive man in stature but the power around him was almost visible. He told us that our babies were very sick and wanted to know if we were actually further along in the pregnancy as the TTTS was so advanced that it was more usually seen in later pregnancy. He told us there was a low chance of saving both babies - mainly as the placenta was anterior and there was a tiny space by 'Twin 1's' head to go into the womb. He said that if we didn't operate that day, the babies would die within the next 48 hours. 

The 2 hours we waited for the operation were strange. We rang our family to update them. We signed forms to say we understood that the babies might die. We drank cold water from plastic cups. A kind and worried-looking nurse talked to us and tried to soothe our fears. We nodded and said we were fine and drifted into the next stage of this waking nightmare. 

The operation went very smoothly. The Professor was so skilled and I felt in good hands throughout. The idea that a needle, then a camera on a endoscope and then a laser was going into the giant bump on the front of my body was frightening and uncomfortable but I felt no pain. He deftly worked around Twin 1 who was fully stuck to the side and moved towards the umbilical cord, but not before he stopped to show us the beautiful face of Twin 2 dangling in the amniotic fluid - a girl - tiny hairs on her skin, eyes firmly closed and nostrils filled. That image on the screen will linger with me for ever. Twin 2 was a girl, we knew that 2 daughters were fighting for life inside me. Seeing and falling in love with the prize that we were desperate to save - and sharing this with more than 20 student doctors who watched Nicholaides with such deference and never addressed us at all. 

Slowly he used the laser to destroy the adjoining vessels. I told him it felt like popping corn was exploding within my abdomen but he didn't laugh. He was concentrating and determined. Fluid oozed out of the hole he had created - I could feel it running down my back and dripping onto the floor. 

And then it was done. And we went to sit in the same windowless room to wait and see if I would go into labour. I didn't. So I was ushered back into the room, with the 20 doctors for the scan to see if our babies were still alive. There were the heart beats. Twin 1 had fluid around her and Twin 2 no longer lost in the sea of liquid that would kill her. 2 tiny bladders had formed in 1 hour. We have a photo of the ultrasound scan with 2 perfectly formed feet pushing down - perhaps with such defiance that we should have known that they wanted to survive. At 10pm we travelled home in the back of a cab - suspension lacking and bouncing up and down, and to my lovely Gran's house in South West London where she gently greeted us, cooked a fry-up and cared for us with few questions and all the love that we really needed. 

3 days later my waters broke. I now know that it was leaking from the hole that was made, down and out of my body. We rushed to the hospital and the Saturday evening Senior House Officer said there was nothing more we could do. We would need to have the babies that night and that they would not live. He was kind and sorry - but I said I wanted to sleep with them one more night. During that sleepless night I felt them both move for the first time. Fizzing and flitting in my belly - letting me know they were there and that despite having no fluid they had not given up. 

The next day - Sunday - we travelled to give birth to the babies at our local hospital. The nurse we saw scanned us and confirmed that there was practically no fluid. I prepared mentally for her to tell us what would happen next and where we would have to go to the labour suite for the end of the pregnancy, but she didn't say this. She said that we shouldn't make any decision until we had seen our own consultant the next day. I was confused - there may be a different outcome?? 

With trepidation we saw Mr Kent Ayers - our consultant the following day. He said that it was clear that although I was losing fluid, it was refilling continuously too and that there was some fluid for the babies and if we could get to 24 weeks, we could look to deliver. He said the chances of this working were low, and that I would need to take antibiotics throughout and recognise that the low level of amniotic fluid and chance of infection meant the babies may be further disabled. We were keen to give this a try - we were so invested in these little lives I now can hardly believe that we had the strength to do this, but we looked at each other and didn't hesitate in agreeing. 

Many weeks of anxiety and false ultra scan readings leading to panic and tears and fears lived whilst the world carried on. We married during this time to confirm our love to each other and commitment to this special and personal cause. A month later I began to lose blood and we agreed with Mr Ayres that the babies would be born on 24th November. We were at 31 weeks and 4 days. 

Our 2 babies were born by Caesarean section. Both 3lb 10oz exactly. A month in Special Care. Slow growth and worry that each day would be the one that the medics would say 'we are sorry - your baby has died or your baby is showing signs of brain injury’ - all real possibilities that plagued the first few years of their lives. 

This walk is about Twins Trust. It is about research into TTTS. We have 2 16 year old women in our lives. They are beautiful, kind, clever, funny, talented, inquisitive and above all alive because of 3 things. Our determination that we would do whatever it took to save them - a determination I did not know we had. Second, is their determination; that as fledgling beings they managed to survive the trials of a traumatic anti-natal experience and come out bright and courageous and such a joy to be around. And finally, due to the research that came before us; the many thousands of women that were told 'there is nothing we can do' as their babies were dying from this dreadful syndrome and yet there had been no medical research into the condition or trials into treatment. We are so grateful for the many researchers, medical staff and families who tried to find a solution to this condition that affect a small amount of twin pregnancies. A tiny population of people, but for us, that pioneering research and work has brought us the miracle of Esme and Hope.  

However, not everyone who has TTTS is so fortunate. Please help us to help the women who in the decades to come will celebrate the joy of being pregnant with twins only to find that their delight is quashed with those 4 dreadful letters. Support the Twins Trust 10K walk as a way of injecting money into research relating to multiples including for families experiencing TTTS. 

Hope, Esme and I will be walking 10K on the 8th August 2020 to celebrate our personal victory and to give just a little bit back. Thank you for celebrating with us by giving what you can.

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