I’m writing this whilst heading in to my 5th week of training for the London Marathon. Training has been good so far, so in typical style I decided to do more than what the plan said for the end of the week. I decided to run a half marathon. I can honestly say I have no idea where the other 13 miles are going to come from! I was pretty knackered after the run which was a massive eye opener! I’d previously had my mind set on a finish time, but now I was just hoping to actually finish! 

And then I remembered why I’m running, more specifically who I’m running for.

I’m sure everyone reading this will know that we lost our Mum to pancreatic cancer almost 3 years ago. It’s a horrible disease, and a ruthless one at that. It took less than 2 weeks from when my Mum was diagnosed to the day that she passed away, 9 days in fact. Although Mum remained dignified and as tough as anyone I’d ever experienced she passed away on the 23rd of February at the Pilgrims Hospice in Canterbury. It was devastating. It’s true what they say, you can never comprehend how much someone means to you until they are no longer there. 

It was strange at her funeral, I felt almost comforted by the amount of people that attended, and the love and kindness they showed. I didn’t cry, I remember that vividly. I feel guilty to this day for not. We had Mum’s ashes interred at the church in Seasalter just as she requested which is nice for me as I can walk up and visit her whenever I want. 

I try not to talk so much about the next part as it’s not really what I’m comfortable doing, the last thing I want is to put myself before what Mum went through and my reason for doing this run. However, in, asking for sponsorship and raising awareness of this disease,  I guess I feel that honestly is the best policy. 

After Mum’s death I started developing anxiety, I can’t even pinpoint when it started happening but it was getting to the point where it was affecting my daily life. Panic attacks started happening more often so I decided to go to my GP. Without divulging too much and again not wanting to take the limelight away from the whole point of this message, I ended up receiving counselling and medication to help with the anxiety. I still take the medication and have the occasional attack but otherwise I’m in a much better place.

My point in telling this story is that this illness ruins lives, in the harshest way possible. This is why I’m hoping to raise awareness, and potentially extend the survival rate, or possibly even find a cure. I’m hopefully going to raise some money too, which will go towards the research and development of beating this disease. But it’s also to help people who have lost someone, to know that it’s ok to not be ok. Don’t be too proud to ask for help. Find someone to talk to. It really does help. 

I’ll never get over losing my Mum, but I know she won’t want me feeling the way I did. And I know that when I get to the halfway point she’ll be pushing me on, and for that reason I know I’ll finish. For her, for Mum.