Story
Thank you for taking the time to visit my just giving page. On April 5th I will be running the Paris marathon in aid of Beyond Shame Beyond Stigma. They are a mental health education charity, with a focus on helping young people.
Unfortunately, there is still a great deal of stigma around men talking about their mental health. We struggle to open up and share what is on our minds, and too many people are unable to ask for help when they need it the most. Our understanding of mental health needs a massive overhaul, and it is down to us to re-educate ourselves.
My own mental health issues are something I have kept under wraps for a number of years. Over that time I have suffered from bouts of depression and anxiety. From the outside, I became extremely good at presenting an image of my life that was carefree. I could walk into a room and light it up. What many people don’t see is the side of me that is quiet, reclusive and can be quite self-deprecating. For years I would shy away from relationships and deep friendships. Something inside me was afraid to commit and be vulnerable, and to let people in and understand what was going on inside my head – mainly because I did not understand it myself. I mistakenly saw vulnerability as weakness.
I had developed some very unhealthy habits; saying no to plans was becoming more frequent; I had a lack of care for the food I was using to fuel my body; I was binge drinking to excessive amounts in social situations; and I wasn’t looking after my mental or physical health. Craig was one of very few people I let in to know the real me. He was always there to lift me up if I was down, he looked after me, motivated me, but most simply made me smile more than anyone ever has. Losing Craig absolutely tore my world apart. The pain, both physical and mental has been far beyond anything I thought possible. I lost my favourite person in the world, and nothing seemed to make sense anymore.
I can only speak for myself, but experiencing the suicide of someone so close leaves endless amounts of torment. My brain can go from joy to sadness in a heartbeat. I think of endless regrets, have lists of unanswered questions and overanalyse countless ‘what ifs’. The pain of knowing that the person closest to you didn’t think they could talk to you about what was going through their head is something I will carry for the rest of my life.
I spent the first three months after Craig died not wanting to live. My life had been flipped on its head. Despite friends and family telling me they loved me and cared, none of it mattered, as it didn’t come close to overpowering darkness of the black dog that was inside my head. I felt so alone, and I couldn’t see any way it would get easier. The only thing that stopped me making an irreversible decision was the knowledge that I would just be passing my pain on to those around me.
The months that followed were long and hard, but looking back I am proud of how far I have come. I have an amazing group of family and friends who provided me with emotional support and reassurance when I lost all notion of who I was. I took time off work to process and learn from what had happened, and understand how I was feeling. And I used what little money I had left in savings to pay for a personal trainer who could help release my physical angst, and a counsellor who has literally saved my life.
Running became a massive factor in my ability to cope. The version of me ‘before’ absolutely despised running (or anything that involved movement), but a friend of mine offered me some great advice just after Craig died. ‘Every time I go for a run, I track it on my phone, and then send him a message in the comments’. It became one of the only things that made me happy – my time in private where I felt as though I was still able to communicate with him. Since then running has become one of my favourite past times. Getting out in the fresh air gives my mind the opportunity to process and sort everything building up in my head. Doing a marathon seems like the perfect excuse to enjoy more of what I’ve come to love.
Along with the donations you make, I would like to ask that everyone do a little more of the following:
- Put your phones down, be present and enjoy the company of those around you. Engage with people who are important to you as opposed to comparing your life to that of what a screen portrays. No one has a perfect life. If we allow ourselves a little vulnerability and open up with those around us, we will often find everyone is dealing with their own bag of shit. No one is alone, and we are all a little broken.
- If you notice a change in someone’s behaviour, take the time to let them know they can talk to you, and most importantly just listen without judgement. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Don’t come to your own conclusions as to what is going on in someone else’s world. Let them tell you.
- And most importantly, if you love someone, TELL THEM! Be it a friend, a family member or someone you are in a relationship with. We should all make a conscious effort to tell people how much they mean to us, as often as we can. We never know when will be the last moment we see each other.
No one should ever have to experience suicide, and the first step in prevention is opening the conversation on mental health. At the end of the day nothing matters but the people we have in our lives, and we all need to step up and take more care of each other before it is too late. A problem shared, really is a problem halved, and once things are out of your head they tend to lose their hold over you. All the money raised on this page will go towards helping those who need it the most.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I won’t lie... as I finish writing this I am scared shitless, and beginning to feel extremely vulnerable. The old me would have probably gone and hidden under a duvet for a while, but I think the new me might throw on some trainers and go for a run.