The life of Leigh Smith - her wonderful light and her internal struggle and sadness -

From the day Leigh was born she exuded light, happiness and a tenacious and mischievous character. From the moment she could smile she smiled enthusiastically at all things in life that she could see, hear and feel. Her laughter (very often with tears!) was the most incredibly lifting sound and to watch such a happy child was a joy. As she grew older, this exuberant personality grew and grew.......this coupled with an ever growing lust for action and all things new made for a child who was very entertaining....albeit tiring! Leigh and I had such a close relationship taking the form of both siblings and mother daughter. We experienced things together, laughed, cried, talked, debated, celebrated and enjoyed life together.

As Leigh developed through her life she generated laughter and smiles. Right up until the day she passed, she was smiling and providing the usual Leigh entertainment! Although she had suffered from feeling 'down' at various points in her life, we had no reason to suspect anything more sinister. Unbeknown to everyone, including me, Leigh was suffering very badly from a mental illness (still undiagnosed). Leigh had been referred for urgent psychiatric treatment......which she never got the chance to receive.

Throughout her years, despite the outer smile, Leigh had suffered from some terrible experiences which left her mentally scarred. Although counselling was encouraged and was always an open option, Leigh wanted to deal with this herself by moving on and trying to forget.

Obviously she could not cope on her own. My desperately sad and mentally tortured girl took her own life. I do believe that she would have been in a very dark place to do something as drastic as this, she would never have wanted to die or leave me and her family with the devastation of losing such a wonderful soul. Such drastic action that allows no time for reflection or change of direction. The only thing that I can take from this is that Leigh is now at peace, no longer suffering from rejection, sadness, self loathing.....her laughter will again be able to shine through.

I firmly believe that what Leigh did was incredibly brave.....to try and deal with things on her own, to keep her suffering from others and to provide her uplifting personality and 'light up' people's lives (which has been quoted often by her friends and family) despite feeling despair and sadness. What I will say to anyone who reads this.....going it alone may be brave but there is always someone somewhere who may be able to help. All I ask is that you reach out and take that help or reach out to those who you think may need it. Bravery comes in all forms and asking for help is brave too.

Everyone deserves help. Look for signs and remember that smiles and laughter can sometimes mask sadness, fear and turmoil. Mental illness can sometimes be invisible....it doesn't always come with physical symptoms that people can see. Try to become aware and understand how hard it must be to suffer from an illness that frequently goes undiagnosed, untreated or worse still, completely overlooked. Take the time to think about even the smallest things that can help you or others.

Finally, life is so precious, give yourself the option of trying to mend, despite the pain and suffering. There are so many things that could help you to heal and survive. I'm just so sorry that my beautiful and loving daughter did not get that chance.

Forever in my heart - mum xx