Amit, me and our family will be fundraising in the name of our baby girl 🩷 in an aim to raise awareness around baby loss.

I wanted to be really open about what we have been through, as I found support through reading others similar situations.

I recently gave birth to our baby girl under the worst circumstances. She had to come five months earlier than planned. It has been the most difficult time of our lives.

We had started our week off super excited for our gender scan, preparing for our gender reveal with our little girl 👧.

Heartbreakingly, our excitement was short lived and our whole life just changed when we were told at the scan that our baby had no heartbeat 💔.

After several checks it was confirmed that our baby had sadly passed away. I had no symptoms of this and my body still believed I was pregnant. I still believed I was pregnant.

There was no explanation for what had happened, except I had to now give birth to my dead baby. How do I even do this?

I have honestly never felt a pain so deep. I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to get through it. The thing with giving birth is, the adrenaline you have through labour is all because of the end result you know you are going to get. We had no end result. We were to leave empty handed. There was no adrenaline involved, just a drained mental state from all of our emotions.

Your mind begins to wonder - how did I not notice my baby was not even alive? I started to actually get really scared as I have a fear of death. I was carrying my child and felt that death is surrounding me to collect my child. It sounds silly, but honestly these are the kind of thoughts that were going through my mind.

I had no choice. My baby was inside me, not alive. I had to give birth. It was the saddest day of our lives.

Our baby girl was with us, as small as one of my hands. Tiny fingers and tiny toes. The smallest little thing I have ever seen 🥹.

It was such a mixed up emotional rollercoaster. We felt as if our baby girl was with us. She was physically there, lying in a crib next to us - but soulless - and both of our minds could not register it. We looked at her, not even fully formed, but we still felt as if we had just had the most beautiful baby girl. We would try not to make too much noise, thinking that we were going to wake the baby. It sounds crazy. Our minds were playing nasty tricks on us.

We felt helpless that we couldn’t do anything to save our baby’s life. I was unable to hold my baby next to my skin, to feed, to love and to cuddle her. It was all snatched away from us. How is this even fair?

The hardest part was leaving the hospital because that’s when we couldn’t pretend anymore. Our brains had to face the fact that we were going home without a baby. My mind had to fathom that I was no longer pregnant and had no baby to take home. It was so hard. Our only strength was our daughter Myra waiting for us back home. I couldn’t wait to get the biggest hug from her. I knew it would just ease the pain for even a few seconds.

But I also felt guilty - I felt as if I was prioritising seeing Myra instead of staying in hospital with my baby girl, like I was neglecting the baby I had just given birth to. But I knew we had to let go. We had been crying and crying for the past few days and emotionally, I just couldn’t keep up anymore. We had to say our goodbyes to our little daughter. Only a moment with us, but she will forever be in our hearts ♥️. It was the hardest goodbye we have ever said. If only we could change the fate of our little baby. We were leaving with a memory box instead of a newborn. It just feels like a nasty joke.

We are both heartbroken and trying to deal with how to move on, but we have the best little monkey to help us through it all. We will never forget our little girl and pray that she is at peace 🙏. Until we meet again baby girl 🩷

I’m fundraising for Tommy’s who provide expert advice and fund pioneering research to prevent stillbirth, miscarriage and premature birth. Your sponsorship allows Tommy’s to continue their vital work – in short you’re helping save babies' lives.

Please give generously, your support means the world to me.