I’m running the New Forest Marathon for World Suicide Prevention Day!

On 10th September 2023, World Suicide Prevention Day, I will be putting myself through the toughest challenge of my life.

I am raising money for Baton of Hope UK, aiming to be the largest suicide awareness and prevention initiative in the UK. More info to follow…

Some of you may have followed my journey over the years and be aware of my history with mental illness.

I have made no secret about my past struggles and challenges; some have said I have been too open online, attention-seeking etc. but from my side it was initially a cry for help. My last attempt.

Back in 2016, on 22nd March, I attempted to take my own life at the age of 22.

After several months of planning my suicide and secretly shutting out my friends and family I was ready to leave this world behind. I dropped out of university after one semester, feeling like a failure and petrified of the world. Making eye contact and the thought of leaving the house made my skin crawl. I remember one day going swimming and screaming under water so no-one would hear or see me. I saw no other way out as I thought I had explored all avenues. I dreaded getting up each morning, each night wishing I would close my eyes for the last time. I had been dismissed several times previously from GPs as I was too young or wasn’t displaying enough crisis signs for help…

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For anyone who has been in a similar position, would know it can sometimes be physically impossible to convert your deepest, dark thoughts into words, especially in front of a medical professional, fearing the consequences. I have become an actor over the years, like all those suffering with mental illness are.

We learn to hide the pain, find unhealthy coping mechanisms and escapes, distract and divert the attention away from us. We suffer alone, in silence, on the internal hamster wheel. The scariest part is believing everyone else will be better off if we weren’t here to bring them down.

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What followed those horrific and turbulent few months was my recovery and further relapses. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in October 2016 and signed off for two months after my first severe manic episode.

I went from £10,000 in savings to minus -£13,000 in just 2 months. Getting over the agony and trauma of wanting and trying to end my life unsuccessfully, combined with medication the equivalent of ecstasy for two solid months was not a good mix.

Flash-forward 4 years of trying to get on with life, I was still suffering internally but trying to numb the pain with smoking, drinking, drug-use, binge-eating etc. – Covid happened! Fantastic. Isolation, loneliness, everything shut, nothing to do, boredom; difficult for everyone and enhanced for those who don’t need the extra time to think.

Time passed; I put on weight and became my heaviest at nearly 17 stone. The lockdowns eased and I tried to shift some weight. I started playing squash and bang, fully ruptured Achilles Tendon after 12 minutes into the match! The next mental test… learning to walk again.

It took me 15 months before I could run properly.

I started to slowly enjoy life again, while still dealing with work pressures, stress and life decisions. My wellbeing and suicide prevention business was starting to take off (P.M.A. Obviously!) but the difficulty I was finding was having to relive my past traumas every time I presented a session to students or corporate workplaces. It was very triggering for me; I thought it was helping but it was mostly hindering.

With all this building up, I had my biggest two PMA sessions booked at my old university, University of Brighton, where I dropped out 6 years prior. Planning and practicing the sessions got too much for me; I was having sleepless nights and went 0-100 within a couple of weeks. I was losing my mind again.

Relapse #2 pending…

I suffered a more severe manic and psychotic episode and was sectioned under the Mental Health Act in November 2021. An awful experience and horrible time for all those close to me.

Without the love and support of my loved ones and work I would not be here ❤️

Through my journey over the years, I know that we are strong in numbers. We have to build each other up and support our tribe when one falls behind.

If we truly want to break the mental health stigma and work together as a community, we have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, awkward, facing the ugly side of the many diseases of the brain.

Be able to sit with the pain and next to someone suffering without trying to fix them, rather than ignoring the subtle cries for help and always trying to look at the positives which although can help, doesn’t always. Sometimes simply being there for someone and present is enough.

After many different medications prescribed and a lot of challenges faced, I am in a very different place these days. I haven't taken medication in well over a year and have found different healthy coping mechanisms that work for me.

It's not all plain-sailing these days as I was diagnosed with IBD (Inflammatory Bowel Disease) earlier this year and also signed off briefly with stress. I am better at managing my wellbeing but I am not immune, like everyone else...

If symptoms are not recognised and proactively dealt with, it can quickly escalate and become very dangerous. The more we can spot signs, support each other and face the pain as a collective, the easier and quicker it will be to reverse any serious damage.

I have finally lost my initial weight loss goal from Xmas 2020 and am 4 stone lighter! Feeling fitter and sharper mentally. I am all aboard sobriety and loving my new journey!

Running is my new escape. I love pushing through the pain barrier and getting lost in the music.

Remembering my WHY during the times I don’t feel like training.

I have been given a second chance at life and can finally say I want to stick around for my future, as well as observing all the life milestones yet to come that I would have missed out on.

Others are not so lucky and unfortunately complete suicide.

Baton of Hope UK has a mission to change that...

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#BatonOfHopeUK is designed to be the biggest suicide awareness and prevention initiative the UK has ever seen, opening up necessary conversations and prompting appropriate actions. Our specially designed baton will tour UK towns and cities for two weeks in Summer 2023, raising the profile of this issue like never before. Together we can reduce the stigma, and get better at asking questions, listening, and directing people to the right help. Together we can save lives.

Weʼre raising £100,000 to help reduce the number of suicides in the UK. This year our focus is on 3 things. The 12 day tour and our Workplace and Education Charters.

We are part of a growing movement aspiring to a zero-suicide society and will simply not tolerate more than 6,000 suicide deaths per year in the UK (2023) when most suicides are preventable. We have a vision of a society where suicide and suicide prevention are openly and widely discussed, where we inspire hope through action, where people are suitably supported, and where everyone plays their part in realising this vision.

To view more about the Baton of Hope UK charity, please view their website listed below:

https://batonofhopeuk.org/

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My target to raise for Baton of Hope UK is £2,000.

Whether you contribute generously or a small amount you can afford, it will be greatly appreciated and go a long way to changing our society for the better.

Any words of encouragement, sharing social media posts or spreading the word will be a great help and boost for me.

To follow along for my training, fundraiser and Race Day, my Instagram is @Flakey23

Thank you for reading and supporting this worthwhile cause.

Much love,

Flakey

Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving - they'll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they'll send your money directly to the charity. So it's the most efficient way to donate - saving time and cutting costs for the charity.