Pasty to Patisserie: Cycling from Cornwall to Paris (Yes, Really)

Let me start with full transparency: I am not a cyclist.

In fact, I’ve barely covered two miles on a bike in the last 20 years — and that was the other weekend with my kids on the Bissoe Trail, where I managed to crash several times like a drunk giraffe on wheels.

I detest cycling. A lot.

At the time of writing this, I don’t even own a functioning bike.

So why on earth am I attempting to cycle 450 miles from Cornwall to Paris in just 4 days this September 2026?

Because this isn’t just a bike ride. Or a fundraiser. It’s a full-blown personal crisis dressed up as a challenge. A glorious, sweaty, saddle-sore journey of self-improvement where I hope — somewhere between the pasties and the pain — I might actually fall in love with cycling. Or at least stop hating it quite so violently.

I can ride a bike (technically). I just can’t ride it well. I know nothing about gears, clips, or why people voluntarily wear Lycra. But I’m ready to learn, ready to evolve, and very ready to squeeze into some questionable spandex while acquiring what I’m told will be a spectacularly sore arse.

Why should you donate to this madness?

• Because it’s going to be hellish

• Because it’s going to suck… a lot

• Because I’m genuinely terrible on a bike (see: three crashes with my kids the other day)

• My AI, Grok, tells me I’ve not got the experience to do this is the stated time

• Because I’m doing it for an incredible cause: Face Forward International

In 2014 I was the innocent victim of a random acid attack. The road back has been long, painful, and at times incredibly tough. But Face Forward International — the charity I’m proud to be the UK ambassador for — has completely changed my life.

Since 2017 they’ve provided over $1 million in life-changing reconstructive surgeries, aftercare, travel, and emotional support to me, and they continue to support countless other survivors like me from around the world. Without them, I simply wouldn’t be living the full, confident life I have today — spending quality time with my kids and embracing every opportunity that comes my way.

This ridiculous cycling challenge is my way of saying thank you… and of helping them keep changing even more lives.

So please, dig deep and donate whatever you can — even if it’s just the price of a coffee (or, fittingly, a fancy Parisian patisserie). Every single pound will go directly to helping survivors rebuild their faces, their confidence, and their futures.

And if you fancy a laugh along the way, follow my training journey (pick one or all the platforms below) by as this reluctant cyclist tries to turn pasty-powered pain into something resembling joy (or at least not total misery).

Instagram @SkardWarrior

https://www.instagram.com/skardwarrior?igsh=OTNyczUxMXZmemFx&utm_source=qr

TikTok @SkardWarrior

https://www.tiktok.com/@skardwarrior?_r=1&_t=ZN-95r93jrkG9K

YouTube @SkardWarrior

https://youtube.com/@skardwarrior?si=YrKXnpwyzTz5W_Hc

Thank you from the bottom of my soon-to-be-very-sore saddle.

Let’s turn suffering into something sweet — one painful pedal at a time.

Donate now — and help me (and Face Forward) make a real difference