My Story

Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, whilst a shock, I was relatively relieved to have some level of understanding of my feelings and actions, which ultimately led to this diagnosis. I was in two minds as to whether to speak about what I have gone through, but I ultimately decided it was important to try and break the stigma, and try to raise awareness as best as I can. That is why I am taking part in the Mental Elf run for Mind. I know Christmas is a difficult time, but if you are able to sponsor me/donate to Mind, I’d be most grateful!

When I got the diagnosis, I felt so embarrassed and ashamed and I felt I didn't really want to tell anyone because of the stigma surrounding this diagnosis. My thoughts could not get away from:

However, my diagnosis does not define who I am, nor does it make me crazy. It is also absolutely nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, and I think speaking about it may hopefully help other people who may be going through a similar thing.

Prior to this years diagnosis, most my close friends and family know that I struggled massively with my mental health throughout my life, where I have felt suicidal, and ended up in A&E on numerous occasions. I also had extreme 'highs' where I felt euphoric, and engaged in a lot of out of character and impulsive behaviour.

Flash forward to the present, I kept feeling things in such extremities, and I kept having episodes of feeling euphoric, where I would act impulsively and have little care for the consequences of my actions. I also would have extreme lows where I felt depressed. I also, had periods where I felt relatively normal, for instance when I was mentoring at the School Games National Finals. During a relatively recent episode of mania, I stopped eating properly, lost a significant amount of weight in an unhealthy manner and I was not sleeping. These were all warning signs of a manic episode, but being manic, I did not understand that at the time.

Many people were also commenting on my weight and my appearance. There were so many mixed messages. From:

to

This mixed messaging confused me and I was getting it from all aspects of my life, I felt like:

But I now understand most of the comments came from a place of concern, and I am grateful this got caught as early as it did.

I then came down and crashed mid September, and started feeling incredibly depressed. I felt sad, I felt like a huge burden, I felt lonely, and I just felt like there was not much point in living anymore. I wanted to maintain a facade that I was 'happy' when actually inside I was not, I don’t think I told anybody how I truly felt.

I felt suicidal, and I was taken to A&E, where I stayed overnight. I was then hospitalised for two weeks, which was one of the most eye opening experiences of my entire life. I was discharged from hospital early October, and I am still under the care of the Community Mental Health team, but since the hospitalisation, and getting on what currently feels like the right medication path, I am starting to feel like I am myself again, but it is still an ongoing journey and battle.

I am being kinder to myself and enjoying the small things in life. You do never really know what someone is going through, and I stress it is important to try to be kind to everyone.

I really want to raise awareness as best as I can, so that other people who may feel like suicide is the only option, realise that it is not the only option, and that things do get better, even when it might not feel like it.

Thank you so much to my friends, family and coworkers who have got me through this time, you have all been so incredibly supportive.

And if again, if you can please donate whatever you can, to Mind, that would be most appreciated. Thankyou!

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-moods-and-symptoms/