This year I'll be running the Great Manchester half marathon in the morning and the great manchester 10k straight after it totaling a whopping 31k run and I'm hoping to do it in under 3 hours total.

Why you might ask?

On the 18th January 2018, my life changed.

I had just become a dad again, and my family was at home: my wife, my three-week-old daughter, seventeen-month-old daughter and six-year-old stepson.

I was sitting in the snow and ice, having taken an overdose, sobbing uncontrollably, waiting to die. I did not want to burden my loved ones any longer. I didn't want to die; I just didn't know how to be here.

Thankfully, I was found and taken to the hospital.

The following year was the lowest and darkest time I have ever experienced. The contrast of feeling like I had so much to be thankful for and still struggling to be here was crippling; it almost felt like the guilt doubled down on how I was already feeling, the expectation that this should be the happiest time of my life, and it wasn't. I remember feeling brief sparks of happiness and love I hadn't experienced before with my children and the support of my wife.

Why I am writing this? Because I know I'm not alone. It isn't just me who felt like that. At the time, I thought it was just me, that my thoughts weren't normal, and I was broken. That's just not true. Suicidal thoughts are common; struggling to cope with becoming a dad is common; struggling to find the right support is common.

In January, 2018, I had just had a gambling relapse with catastrophic consequences. I was about to lose my job because of it. I was in debt. I'd never held down a job longer than eighteen months. I was angry. I punched walls. I drank to cope with life. I avoided life.

Now - I do not recognise that person. I am present. I am content. I am happy. I am proud of who I am and what I do.

What had the biggest impact on me being well? The daunting realisation that it was my responsibility to get better. I was waiting for a service to wave a magic wand. I was an inpatient in a mental health hospital ward for nearly two weeks and I thought that was the highest level of support- and that didn't help. That was daunting but the best thing that happened. I realised I had to put myself out there and try everything that could possibly help me to take responsibility for me.

I didn't find the help I needed, quick enough because it didn't exist.

It does exist now and I am so proud to fundraising for Home-Start HOST and Dad Matters.

Home-Start HOST supports families with young children across Oldham, Tameside, Stockport, and Bolton. Our trained volunteers and staff offer peer befriending support, and support with many practical aspects of raising a family as well.

Being a parent can be hard, and additional challenges like bereavement, isolation, health issues or financial difficulty can make it even more challenging. A little support at the right time makes a huge difference to parents and crucially helps them give their children the start in life they deserve.