Hi, I’m Hannah and when I was 16 years old, I was diagnosed with “anorexia nervosa”.

Sometimes I question myself “if only I knew that my disordered in other words “abnormal” and “unhealthy” behaviors around exercise was going to lead me into such a detrimental pathway where I was going to face the most difficult time of my life?” But anorexia is something that slides into your life without you truly being aware of what is happening.

One of the very first times I remember noticing I had a “problem” around food was back in March 2023, it was a Thursday afternoon, and I was given an easter bunny for easter of course. My brain was screaming at me to give in to the cravings, my mouth was so dry, but I also had another part of my brain which was much stronger screaming louder to not let myself go because a consumption of chocolate of any kind is going against my eating disorder. I remember so clearly, like it was yesterday struggling on what action to take. But that voice made sure I would continue to restrict further. I vaguely remember thinking “the old Hannah” would have polished any type of chocolate she had clocked eyes on. No matter how many times my mum, my tutor, close friends would tell me something was wrong, I was not well it was like anorexia put up a wall to just blur and blank those concerns they had of me out.

I think for a period I was in denial, I refused to seek any professional help, I think part of me was also scared of control being taken away. Even though a lot of it was down to body image reasons, there was also a part of control I felt to latch onto.

I remember with what started off with a few runs on a treadmill began to be a compulsion that I had to engage in, every meal no matter how little I ate it was answered for by how much I could burn off, just wanting to lose a few pounds at the beginning to then having a full blown panic attack and facing the most intrusive thoughts over an apple I had consumed was a wakeup call for which was what switched on that light switch where I knew I needed help. It was no longer just a “diet”, it had turned into something that had spiraled very much out of control, very rapidly. It wasn't just how much I could burn off, it was how much I could survive off. The number on the scale got smaller but so did my self-worth.

Some of the moments that I think will forever stick with me will be on my 17th birthday where it was the first ever birthday of mine where a cake was not present. I remember sobbing to my mum and thinking there's no way I can ever escape this illness, this is me forever and it's never going to get better. But the incredible women she is never gave up on me and continues to be there supporting me 2 years forward. The holidays that should have been amazing memories were so daunting, it was summer, and I was wrapped up like it was winter, i was constantly freezing cold, constantly had a low mood and just really wanted to sleep my life away. I became distant from the ones closest to me, I had lost myself, my entire identity was stripped away by anorexia.

I had lost my period which was terrifying when I look back on it because that is my body telling me something, I clearly wasn't functioning, I remember waking up to find lumps of hair on my pillow from hair loss. My bones would crack, my skin was in the worst state it had ever been in. Going down the stairs would cause me to feel so faint, like the room was spinning. I was told I looked pale, gaunt, withdrawn.

Throughout the rollercoaster of my journey, I have gone through starvation, restricting food groups, intermittent fasting, calorie counting (being in a dangerously low calorie deficit) exhausting myself through continuous periods of compulsive exercises with extremely unhealthy intentions of just wanting to thrive to lose more and more weight because the weight I had lost was obviously never enough because anorexia will never be truly satisfied.

From my own personal experience with this mental illness, i would describe it as something that is purely soul destroying. It took away my freedom, values, happiness, ruined my relationships. As time went on my condition started to deteriorate further and further, I began to feel like anorexia was all I had and that apart from the compulsions, I had nothing else to live for. Why wouldn't I experience these thoughts, when everything I did was accounted for anorexia? Each day that went by, the voices were getting stronger, louder. Engaging in such exhausting behaviors just become my lifestyle. It was like I was waking up with “Good morning anorexia, how much can we self-destruct today?” to then going to bed with “good night anorexia, will try harder tomorrow or how much did we succeed in today?”

“Recovering, being in recovery is not LINEAR. I've had many relapses, setbacks, moments where I question if the fight is worth it and I still struggle”

“Fighting those voices is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. To not give in to compulsions is no straightforward commitment, but I know there's no life if anorexia rules it”.

Recovery looks different for everyone but for me it's about not living in constant riddles of fear, anxiety and for what used to be something I woke up to, was consumed by every single second of the day, went to bed thinking about. It is now a smaller fraction where i don't feel like I fit into my own skin, and I struggle but I now recognize it and have healthy coping mechanisms and don't turn to intentions of self-destruct because I'm worth more than that.

“I believe everyday you have to fight and that being “100 cured” isn't what recovery is but you learn to go against it and live your life to the fullest. Create, build memories not living in a nightmare”

Over the period of my illness, I've built so much strength not only physically but mentally. I am strong now; I'm not someone that has every action dictated by the voices of anorexia. I have and can speak my own mind. Every run used to be fueled by intrusive thoughts on unhealthy and potentially life-threatening goals. When I had to take a break from exercise, the thought of committing to that used to make my stomach churn with fear but looking back I'm so glad I did because I now have a genuine love and passion for exercise and I would love to help others going through similar situations and promote that hope that there is life after being in such a dark place.

That is why I have decided to take part in the Edinburgh half marathon to support others and because of the pure enjoyment I find through running. I no longer run for weakness, I run for the endorphins, the strength I have built.

Looking back, if I didn't choose to get help and go onto the path of recovery my life would be looking very different. I am now going on a path to reach my dream job of becoming a mental nurse and being able to apply the support on ones struggling just like me. I know I can promote positivity around the subject of recovery and empower individuals to take those steps and be able to empathies because of my own experience.

I was extremely lucky to have the support system i still have around me and would like to give a special shoutout to my mum because she is my absolute rock.

I'm looking forward to having that birthday cake for my 19th birthday that is well overdue as well as future holidays with my family, nights out, coffee and cake dates because it's no longer going to be around intrusive thoughts.

“Don't spend your time trying to survive, when you deserve too truly LIVE. Don’t let the noise of anorexia drown your inner voice when life has so much more to offer and there's so many things I now know waiting for me as it is for others struggling than compulsion and extreme restrictions”

Hannah x