In a moment of either great courage or great stupidity (jury's still out), I've signed up to run the 2026 Great North Run for Gateshead Health.

Let me be clear: I am not a runner. I am a shuffler/staggerer. All the gear. No idea.

What will actually be happening on the day is a complex series of shuffles, power-walks, and moments of quiet existential reflection, punctuated by a very red face and sounds that could generously be described as "determined breathing."

My trainers have mostly been used to walk to coffee and cake along the North East coast. My knees haven't been consulted on this decision and are already filing a formal complaint.

I will be bright pink from roughly the 200m mark, and I will almost certainly be overtaken by people in comedy costumes, people pushing prams, and at least one person dressed as a giant vegetable.

But, Gateshead Health does genuinely brilliant work, and I’m very keen that the people who live and work in Gateshead genuinely get the best from this fantastic charity.

So I'm doing something about it. Slowly. Possibly while whimpering. I will drag myself across that finish line if it takes every last bit of dignity I have (spoiler: it will).

Please sponsor me generously — every penny helps, and frankly, after the state I'll be in, I deserve at least a little sympathy. If nothing else, donate to justify the three weeks of John Wayne impressions I'll be doing afterwards.