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I never knew that April was SA awareness month and I neither realised how many people are affected each year and I always thought what happened to me was my fault but as I’m realising it wasn’t my fault and my response was normal and that I’m ok and that pushing it down just makes it come back and haunt you later I have decided to share one of my stories. I have personally being Sexual assaulted a couple of times but never realised and never felt in the position to say no but this time was different.

September 2023 I decided to try being a sugar baby and I started meeting up with guys for dinner and sex for money (yes I know what ur thinking but even people do that don’t deserve what happened to me) anyway I met this guy for money called Jay he was the first guy I had met, we met and had a walk and chat and we went back to a hotel, we had an ok time and he paid me £300 so I thought that was pretty good and easy money I didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks and when I did hear from him, he said about me travelling to Chesterfield to see him. I got the train which he paid for and I went to his house we ordered dinner and while we was waiting he went down on me. I asked him to stop and we had some dinner. I didn’t really wanna do it and regretted going to his. so anyway he went down on me and it hurt a lot so I asked if we could stop and wait for a minute he said “no”and continued. Then he fucked me anyway, it hurt a lot I remember laying on the floor staring at the fireplaces digging my fingers into his leg and crying. Jay grabbed my hand as I was hurting him he then hugged me and kissed my forehead not stopping. I was crying and I wasn’t sure what to do so I asked him if he could hurry up and cum as I didn’t wanna do it anymore. we went into doggy and he finished. I just felt empty like if I was just watching myself, like I had died and it wasn’t real. I got dressed looked at taxi’s and cuddled up to him hoping to escape and that he wouldn’t hurt me again. While we were cuddling he explained how he actually liked me crying and fighting him it turned him on more and made it more enjoyable to him at that point it hit pretty hard that I shouldn’t meet him again and he didn’t feel bad at all and he knew exactly what he was doing. I got the train home crying the whole way and bleeding thinking how it’s my fault and I should never have went. But this wasn’t the first time it had happened so I thought oh well it won’t have that much affect on me so I carried on doing the sugar baby thing I never seen him again and blocked him when I got home.

Knowing how many people this affects breaks my heart I wish this never happened to anyone. no one deserves it and the amount of people it has happened to is horrifying. Makes me scared to meet new people and from personal experience it makes you feel like ur only good and only get validation from sex. It’s hard to say no when it feels like they will do it anyway and that you have no voice and no say when it happens to you, so you end up just frozen in spot. At least in my experience but everyone has a voice and everyone’s experience is valid. However they handled it makes perfect sense and if it works for them then they should be allowed to deal with it which ever way they think is right.

I wanna raise money for Northamptonshire rape crisis so I’m gonna walk 50 Miles in April to raise money and awareness. Every day I’m going to post someone’s story and post some ways to deal with experience.

https://northamptonshirerapecrisis.co.uk