At age 17 I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, sat in a room with my mum, wondering how things ended up quite this bad, what started as something to pass time had become so severe and had such an impact on me and those around me. I would like to take the oppportunity to tell my story and raise awareness of the seriousness of eating disorders.

I would say that I really noticed my behaviours change when the first COVID lockdown hit. I had been conscious of my body prior to this, masked under the facade of wanting to “eat healthy” to stay in shape for ballet and my other sports. Being known amongst my peers as “the skinny one” and often complimented for my figure, my body became a huge part of my identity. At the time of lockdown hitting there was a lot of promotion on staying active, and somewhat fear mongering of gaining weight amidst being confined to our homes. This struck fear in me, I could not bear the thought of returning to school or dance classes having gained weight or looking differently, a fear of people no longer thinking I was the “skinny one”. This fear transformed my love for sports into an unhealthy obsession with exercise and calorie counting. At a time in life where we could control very little, diet and exercise became the controllable factor in my life, to the point where my day's activities, exercise and food would be meticulously planned to the minute.

At the time I told myself I was being healthy, being organised and staying “fit”, when in reality my body was shrinking week by week, further fuelling this obsessive cycle of constantly thinking about food and exercise as it began to increasingly take over my mind, body and life. Anorexia became a voice so loud in my head that I began to not recognise my own rational thoughts, or how poorly I really was. The eating disorder voice began to rationalise all my symptoms telling myself it is normal to be cold all the time, using a hairdryer to warm myself up in the middle of summer. It was normal to cry at the suggestion of eating food prepared by anybody but myself, to not want to eat if I hadn’t exercised or to see my friends if it didn’t fit into my rigid routine.

I started to see my friends doing things I could only dream of doing, I started to miss my favourite pair of jeans and look at the foods on the menu I wanted to try so badly but the eating disorder wouldn’t let me, even simply attending school full time. I decided I could not continue my life as a shell of myself. So I did some research and joined Beat’s online chat rooms. It was this that encouraged me to accept the help my family had been so desperate for me to seek. With the help of Beat, we found a local specialist and soon after I began therapy, and treatment under CAMHS. My recovery journey was by no means linear, and there were some really difficult times to follow, battling between recovery and the comfort of the eating disorder voice, but choosing recovery is the best decision I have ever made.

5 years and many challenges later, I am still the first person to admit that the anorexia voice likes to make itself known occasionally, but if 17 year old Maddie could see how far we have come now, she would not recognise us. I have found a new love for exercise in the forms of cycling and running. I do it because I love it, as a way to discover new places with people I love. More importantly I have discovered the love and importance of fuelling my body to allow me to climb those hills and keep riding for miles, and have learned that a cappuccino and a sweet treat is always a good idea! It is for this reason that I have chosen to run the 2025 Great North Run in support of Beat, the UK Eating Disorder Charity to allow them to keep helping people and their families like mine who need it most, and to tell my story to help raise awareness.

A Message from Beat:

Beat is the UK's eating disorders charity. We exist to end the pain and suffering caused by eating disorders. We are a champion, guide and friend to anyone affected, giving individuals experiencing an eating disorder and their loved ones a place where they feel listened to, supported and empowered.

We predict 1.25 million people are affected by these serious mental illnesses. Eating disorders can be deeply isolating for the people affected by them. Our online support groups and training for carers allow people to talk to others with similar experiences, helping them to feel less alone with their eating disorder. We run phone and email helplines for anyone who needs us. Often when people get in touch its the first time they've voiced their concerns about themselves or a loved one.