Dear Dad, 

It has been 916 days since we lost you to suicide.

After all this time, it still feels surreal and I’ve found myself often searching for answers that will never come. This is the cruel reality of my life without you, but the one thing that gives me some form of solace is that you’re no longer battling the pain and noise that eventually overcame you.

I’m truly sorry that I didn’t realise the extent to your unhappiness and struggles. I wish you felt able to open up to me about how you were feeling. In fact, I wish you had opened up to anybody to help ease that burden, and prompt the help you so clearly needed. I hope you realise how loved you were, how loved you still are, and the overwhelming support you would have received if only we had known. 

It has been really tough, but I know that you would be so immensely proud of Mum, Olivia and I for all we have achieved: each achievement I view as an expansion to your legacy. As time goes on, they say things get easier, and there is truth to that. The inescapable truth is that I miss you. We all do.

As much as I know in the frankest of realities that you’re gone, I’ll never quite believe it. I don’t want to believe it, but I have to. Suicide is a phenomenon that shouldn’t exist, but it does. Every week 125 people in the UK take their own lives, and 75% of all UK suicides are male. Statistics like these are tragic, but what’s more tragic is that I know there are countless family members and friends left devastated by each suicide. This has to stop. 

The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is leading a movement against suicide. CALM exists to address those statistics by offering life saving services, provoking conversation and bringing people together to reject living miserably. From advice on the CALM website, through to free, confidential chats with their staff, online or on the phone, CALM is there for whoever needs them, every day. No matter what.

This is the cause I have decided to support during the month of July, where I will be running a total of 155 kilometres (equivalent to 5k per day) to raise funds for such a worthwhile cause. You know that I’ve dabbled with running in the past, and running 5k every so often would be manageable for me, but I’m now ready to challenge myself and consistently run each day in memory of you, Dad. Along the way I hope to run with prominent figures within my life and yours, and hopefully spark up some meaningful conversations.

My efforts will either directly or indirectly help someone, which I know you would be proud of me for. I also know that you would be, like I am, incredibly grateful for the donations I hope to gain throughout the month.

I’ll take comfort I knowing that you’ll be with me with each step, as you always are, cheering me on.

Love and miss you,

Nick x