This is the story of my most difficult ascent: the journey from the shadows of childhood abuse to the clarity of survival.

For decades, I lived with what felt like a deep “black hole" inside me. I always felt different from other people, and struggled to feel joy. I was a quiet child who wet the bed, suffered nightmares and sleep-walked.

This black hole manifested as antisocial behaviours, profound trust issues, and an inability to regulate my emotions. To the outside world, I was someone who struggled to find their footing; I under-achieved at school, I dropped out of university twice, failed my professional exams, and faced redundancy.

Behind the scenes, I was self-medicating to quiet the noise. My teens & early twenties were marked by impulsive risk-taking and arrests for shoplifting and being drunk and disorderly. I was searching for a way to numb a pain I couldn't yet name.

In 2020, my world collapsed.

- The Business: COVID-19 destroyed my social enterprise, Inspire Alpine, which I had worked so hard to build.

- The Body: I was suffering from severe back spasms and was diagnosed with Disk Degeneration Disease, a physical manifestation that mirrored my internal agony.

- The Stress: I was blowing the whistle on fraud at a former employer while facing total financial instability.

In the middle of this exhaustion, the "ice" finally broke. I experienced suicidal thoughts and planned how I would end my life using my climbing rope. Sitting at my desk, I experienced a vivid, shocking flashback: I was seven years old, in my bed, and an adult smelling strongly of alcohol was abusing me. The memory was a ghost that had finally decided to speak.

The realisation was devastating, but it finally offered an explanation for the self-destructive patterns of my life. I began the hard work of rescuing my own soul:

In 2020 I accessed Timeline Therapy through the Moira Anderson Foundation (MAF), a small charity that supports survivors of childhood sexual abuse. For the first time in my life, I felt truly heard and understood.

In 2024 my mental health spiralled and I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). After a period of renewed suicidal ideation, I worked weekly with a mental health support worker on The Decider Skills to help with basic emotional regulation.

I also worked with a Pain Management Psychologist and Physiotherapist on understanding and calming my overactive nervous system. Since September 2025, I have been in weekly trauma counselling provided by a national charity that support survivors of CSA.

I still don't know the identity of my abuser—the memories are blurred by time and trauma—but the impact is clear. I am still learning to navigate the severe anxiety and the low self-esteem that were hardwired into me before I was even old enough to understand them.

Why I Share This

I share this because there is a lethal silence surrounding childhood sexual and emotional abuse. I am no longer interested in carrying the shame that belongs to someone else. I am a survivor, still climbing, still breathing, and finally finding my way home—not to a place, but to myself.

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