So Friday 6pm I'll be starting the 24 hour 109km walk from Westward Ho in North Devon to Paignton for the Devon CIC, a local charity that helps people who are struggling with mental health issues, including stress, anxiety and depression.

A friend recently asked me why I sign up to do challenges like this and I've thought about that a lot. The truth is, since John died I have found it very difficult to grieve and process the loss I feel generally on a daily basis. I'm a very upbeat person and when I think of John the sadness that washes over me almost takes my breath away, so I swallow it down. I'm a Mum, a wife, a friend and I want to be the best, happiest version of myself for me and for them. Doing things like this helps me to keep John in my life, in my thoughts, in a really positive way, I want him to know that because I maybe don't talk about him all the time that I HAVENT FORGOTTEN HIM, and that even now I feel truly blessed that he was my brother for 37 years. I also don't want you lot to forget about him either, I'm sure if you're still reading this it's because you also know what a legend he was.

John's bi-polar first appeared in the late 90's when he was found "wondering on the train tracks" at Coventry station, it's only in the last few months that I've realised that someone may have intervened that day and gave me another 20 years with him, at the time I don't remember thinking that it was anything that serious, but then we just didn't talk about mental health then did we? Over the next 20 years John would have manic episodes which usually ended with him disappearing, being erratic in a public place, being picked up by the police and then being sectioned. After a few months in hospital he would be discharged with little aftercare or follow-up. He would then get back on his feet, rebuild his life and then we'd all wait............. for the next episode. I often think about how unfair it was that he had this illness, that no-one really understood, that turned my brother into someone I didn't recognise and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it! Medication wasn't the best then and sometimes the hardest thing was getting John to see that he actually had a condition. Luckily John's manic episodes were often years apart so he generally lived a normal life and he loved life and packed so much in. He was always with us in London, especially after we had Seb - we still talk about Uncle John and the day he took 9 month old Seb out for a walk at 9am, no pushchair, no carrier, no nappies, only for him to get home at 9pm telling us that Seb had seen all the sights, Seb's nappy bursting at the seams!

John got the depression side of the illness in November 2017, I remember he came to me and cried because his car had failed its MOT, at the time I told him that it didn't matter and we'd get it fixed, after all, it was just a car. He then started to disengage with his friends, he stopped going out, he stopped running, he told me he felt like he'd lost his mojo. 10 weeks later he was gone after taking his own life at 39, just 5 days before his 40th birthday. All our lives changed forever that night when we got the call.

How I wish I could have told him that you don't have to be okay all the time, what you are feeling is real, valid, and you're not a burden. Had I know more about depression maybe I could have spotted some of the signs, who knows?

So if doing this walk raises enough cash to save just one person, one son, one brother, one uncle then it will be worth it.

Please give what you can, wish me luck! :)