Story
In 2020 I told everyone I was fine.
I said it to my mates. I said it in the gym, forty times a day, to people paying me to help them feel better. I said it so often I nearly believed it.
I wasn't fine. I was depressed, and I hid it for the reason nearly every man hides it. I didn't want to be a burden. I'd convinced myself that saying it out loud would cost the people around me something they couldn't afford.
Then I sat in a room and said it out loud to a therapist. Nothing exploded. Nobody's life got worse. What I felt walking out of that room was something close to weightless and it was the beginning of everything good that's happened to me since.
One conversation. That was the hinge.
Here's why I'm telling you: suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 in this country. 125 people a week. 18 a day. One every 90 minutes.
On the 16th of August I'll race my first ever full-distance IRONMAN in Leeds. A 2.4 mile swim, a 112 mile bike, a 26.2 mile marathon. 140.6 miles, no breaks, one go. It'll take me somewhere near thirteen hours.
In those thirteen hours, nine more people in the UK won't make it. I'll be in the water at 6am thinking about that, and I'll still be thinking about it at mile 20 of the marathon when my legs have stopped taking instructions.
I chose my suffering. I picked the date, I booked the entry, I get to stop at the finish line. They didn't choose theirs and there is no finish line. That's the whole reason I'm asking.
___________________________________________________
CALM answers the phone. Free, anonymous, 5pm till midnight, every single day of the year. 28,000 calls a month — one answered every 59 seconds. It costs £12.20 to fund one of those conversations.
___________________________________________________
£12.20. One conversation. The exact thing that changed my life.
My goal is £1,000. That isn't a number, it's 82 conversations.
£12.20: one potentially life-saving call answered
£25: two
£61: five
£122: ten conversations, ten people who don't sit alone with it
I train for these things because that dark period gave me nothing and endurance gave me everything back... purpose, direction, a reason to get up. Ten years and 300+ clients later, I'm able to give something back from a place of CALM.
Donate before race day. I want to hit the water knowing the number's already done, so I can spend thirteen hours paying it off.
And if you're reading this and you're the one saying you're fine: 0800 58 58 58. Open every day, 5pm to midnight. Free. Anonymous. No one is a burden. I promise you that.