I'm Kate, I'm Skydiving for Macmillan to say Thank you.💪🏼😘

This is my story....

So here goes, this took me sooo much worry and courage to write this and put my story out there.!

I opened the letter from NHS! as i began to read, my blood turned cold and I was sweating within the first 2 sentences of this letter.

Your smear has shown Abnormal, you are HPV POSITIVE , you have HIGH GRADE, CIN3 cancerous cell changes in your cervix.

We have arranged for you to have a colposcopy (biopsy).

I immediately felt the burn of the gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I felt sick and immediately I called me mam.

My Mam is a Warrior and Survivor of Cervical Cancer.

She was actually pregnant with me when they found the cancer and immediately wanted to abort me and treat my mam. She refused and risked her own life to bring me into the world safely. She was a very very poorly lady, losing so much weight that when she was 9 months pregnant she was painfully thin and weak. I was born and she received a hysterectomy and treatment immediately and responded well. She went through years of weekly, monthly, 6 monthly and then yearly smear tests until she was finally free and in remission.

I always knew in my heart that I would deal with this one day too, maybe it was just phsycological but I have dreaded every single smear in the fear of hearing it's come back abnormal.

In the past I have had a few things "not right" with my smears, like dark spots and shadows that turned out to be nothing, thank god.

It's funny because I knew something was wrong, for the last year, I've been really off with my health and suffering with what I now know are symptoms of cervical cancer.

Part of the reason for me returning to the UK from Turkey is because I wanted to be here to be checked thoroughly. It's not that I don't trust the doctors in Turkey because I do, I just knew something was wrong and I wanted to be able to fully understand what was going on and not deal with any language barriers ect.

As soon as I returned home I made an appointment to get the Mirena coil (contraceptive 5 year could) removed, something inside of my was just screaming to get it out even though it didn't give me any reason to want it out.

When I knew something was wrong as I was suffering with random spotting of blood, strange smelly discharge, experiencing awful pain after sex and bleeding and also constant headaches and pain in my lower back, kidneys, abdomen and hips.

I put most of these aches and pains down being heavier. I gained a bit of weight during lockdown and i assumed that was the cause.

Also I suffer with hernia and I look pregnant all the time! My stomach bloats and sticks out creating the look of being pregnant. I have that belly that you just cannot hide with a chunky knit jumper.

Again I assumed the bloating of my tummy and pain was due to the hernia but apparently also cervical changes can bloat aswell.

I arrived at my GP surgery to an appointment to have the implanon rod inserted into my upper arm as a form of contraception. When I arrived, the nurse offered to remove my Mirena could in the same appointment saving me coming back in a week. I was so happy to be getting out and the implant back in. While she was digging deep for the coil, in the random conversations you have with them where most of us nervously babble about anything and everything while there's a nurse hanging out of your chuff, I told her I needed a smear and have been getting really strange pain and discharge. Within 3 seconds she got the swabs and out and said I'm going the smear NOW!

She finished up with my appointment and said of there's a problem you will hear in a week of so.

4 days later the results letter arrived on my matt by the front door and just a few days later I was booked to go for the colposcopy at the main hospital.

I called my mam trying to be all brave and tell her they had found cancerous cells but I sobbed straight away with my heat racing and my palms sweating. She told me "it's ok, calm down it's just cell changes, it means they've found it early before it turns into full blown cancer. She said when you go for your biopsy they will take a few cuttings of your cervix and send them off for testing but the doctor will be able to see what's going on when they look inside to take the biopsy!" I explained that it wasn't just normal abnormal cells and it was CINIII (Cin3) which is high grade cancerous cells detected. There's 4 stages begining cin1, cin2 cin3 and then cancer.

We agreed that I'd try not to worry until I got seen. This was easier said than done. I came off the phone and sobbed my heart out. It took me a while to call and tell my husband too. He was really sweet and supportive. I kissed and hugged my children a million times an hour in them next few days, broke down a lot and have a secret sob while the thoughts entered my head that if they the doctors confirmed cin3 then I could have cervical cancer and what if I don't get to see my children grow up or be at their wedding. I cry in secret because I don't want anyone to worry about me, feel sorry or tell me to stop being silly. Until you are in this situation you don't know what thoughts will run through your head or how you will react.

Colposcopy appointment day had arrived!

I was physically shaking as I sat down in the treatment room. The doctor and 3 nurses were there. They took some notes of my medical history and all the symptoms of been experiencing and then she examined what was going to happen next..... We will sit you forward on the couch and pop your legs in the legs rests (spread full eagle) I will enter the vagina as I would normally with a smear but I will need to go further into the cervix with a small camera and take some of the cells away and send them off for testing. You may feel uncomfortable but I will try and be very quick.

As I got changed and used the tiny piece of paper bed roll to cover my bits and size 20 lower body I quickly got to the couch and sat down quick before one of the nurses had the pain of seeing my ugly fat bum. I was told to lay back and asked if I wanted to watch the camera go into my cervix. I had a nurse at either side of my holding my hand and I was watching the screen to my right. The doctor was very good and examining exactly what she was doing. As the camera entered my cervix it was like watching a camera go through a mouth and into the throat. It looked like lovely clear pink flesh. I has been researching and looking at pictures of what CIN3 looks like and I couldn't see anything like that. Doc told me she had to dig deeper into my cervix and that it was a little tricky as my cervix is high and set back. She went deeper and BAMMMN there it was on the screen......

millions of ugly slimy tiny looking cells clustered together with tiny little black spots that looked like passion fruit seeds. I realised that there were a real real lot and we could see tiny clusters of tumours forming under the cells. The screen suddenly went blank and I was told she was about to take the biopsy. Oh dear god did it hurt! It was awful, I'm not going to lie, I could feel the cut and it stung like hell! I got no numbing in there what so ever so I felt it all. She told me the cell changes were a lot more aggressive and progressive then they had anticipated and I would need a larger sample to send off. This meant she had to take another 3 cuttings.

It was hell and I had tears running down my face while I laid there praying for it to end! It was quick, (about 15 mins) but it felt like a lifetime. I got changed and sat back down. The doctor told me she had confirmed the high grade cancerous cells but it was more advanced then the were hoping.

Now panic set in.

I'm at stage 3 and stage 4 is cancer. Your telling me I'm in between 3 and 4 but the biopsy results would tell us more in due course. Doc said in the mean time I am going to rush through for emergency surgery to have all of the cells removed so we can see what stage we are at then.

I left the room feeling strange, my full body shaking. I went straight into the public toilets where it was just me and sobbed mynheart out for a little while. I then called my husband and Spoke to him for a little bit, dusted myself off and then went to go and find my sister in law whom had very kindly taken time from work so she could take me to the hospital and she was waiting in the hospital cafe. I told her what was going on, i was in such shock. She was great and sadly had also been through the same so she gave me some positive vibes.

I got home and I just felt numb as I filled out my pre-op assesment online ready for the surgery. I was told if it's worse then they may need to do a hysterectomy and look at options of radiotherapy and chemotherapy treatment but we will know more after the operation.

I didn't want to talk about it, I couldn't eat, sleep, couldn't read a book or even watch TV and my mind just kept jumping into the "what if" I spent all week walking around trying to be ok but honestly I didn't know how to feel. I couldn't even cry. It was very very strange. Then me and my hubby were trying to watch a film, we didn't know what it was about, it was just on Netflix. I was half watching it when the guy in the film got stomach cancer and was dying. He married married his finance and then died very quickly. As I watched I felt the burn inside my stomach and the fear came rushing upto my chest. I watched as the widowed wife sodded and I broke. I quickly walked out of the room and into my bedroom shaking and sobbing. That real ugly snotty crying. I think I have a little panic attack as i couldn't breath, pain in my chest, hand and arms tingling and crying. I cried for about an hour and managed to calm myself down by grabbing some new washed washing and started to fold them, I took a deep breath with every fold i did and I slowly came around. My husband didn't have a clue I was upset (he's a typical bloke). I came back in the room and sat on him and held him so tight as i cried. He was so lovely and supportive and let me have a good cry. I went to bed and managed to get a little sleep. The next morning I actually felt stronger. I was ready to fight whatever comes at me. We a call came at me! It was the consultant from the hospital...... Here was the news......

We are going to send you out a letter and codes for you to fill out a new pre-op assesment online as I'm no longer going to do the original plan ed surgery, I'm sorry to tell you that the changes are a lot more in depth and progressive than we anticipated and I will need to perform a full Hysterectomy in the next month or so then we can see if it's spread and go from there. Ok so basically you're telling me I've got cancer and your going to try and remove it. "Yes I'm afraid so. you need to be treated as soon as possible to prevent the all of the cells changing or spreading but don't worry it's still a slow process when it comes to changes, we just need to remove the cervix to assess further."

So there we have it. It wasn't the news I was hoping for and it certainly has me worried for what's to come next. When I have the hysterectomy they can see if it's removed all of the cancerous cells and clusters or see if it's spread onto other parts as the HPV is still active and this can sometimes form new cancerous cells on other parts of the Vaginal areas. Now it's a waiting game to get my operation date and see what's going on in there.

I've gone through hell and back these last few weeks trying to come to terms with everything that's going on with my health aswell as dealing with all the other stresses of life and everyone else's crap. I pulled myself from my blog, social media groups ect and life. I've thought long and hard about how I feel and of I should post this or not.

I came to the conclusion that I have a bit of a voice here with 3k of you following me and if my story makes just one of you go and get a smear test and it saves your life then it would be worth sharing with you.

Apart from bit I put on my blog, these days I am a very private person when it comes to family affairs ect but honestly I can't stress enough how important it is for all ladies to go and get a smear test and keep up with them!! Makes sure your young ens are getting the jab to prevent Cervical Cancer (something that wasn't around when I was younger)

DON'T FEAR THE SMEAR!!!

don't be shy or scared. Smears DON'T hurt.

Doctors see ladies every min of every day of all shapes and sizes, some big, small, naked, hairs, vagazzled, smelly, not smelly, some with spots on, some with shaving rashes, some with genital warts, some with other vaginal problems. It's doesn't matter what yours is like, the doctor will not judge or comment and she is only interested in the engine, not the body work!!

I had a smear 2 years ago when I birthed my youngest baby boy, these changes happened fast!!!

Getting my coil out and randomly having a smear there and then could have saved my life (fingers crossed)

Please please please go and get a smear test!!!

If you do read my story and decide to get one and they find something, you're welcome to email me anytime. Let me know if me sucking up my fears and being brave enough review my inner most worries and stress with you, leaving me very vulnerable has helped you to be brave too?

Currently I am cervical cancer free, ive just had the all clear for bowl cancer but am ongoing tests for suspected cancer as my Lymohglands are serverelt swollen and 4 fit tests returned very high. But I'm still here and living at this moment!!!

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Macmillan we're my rock!!! They helped me financially, with my bills, with my travel costs, constant support and also helped me with a very awful landlord. I will always hold a special place in my heart for Macmillan. It was the worst time of my life, and I felt so alone. They were my friend and my support.

Love Kate x

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