The two swims are in memory of my brother Chris, who had planned to do both of these swims however sadly he took his own life last November.

Chris was a really down to earth and a real funny guy. He was always happy and smiling (and never out the water). Me and Chris both swam for the first time together in Lochearn two years ago. Before the race he was preparing me because he thought that he could beat me. I'll let you know who actually did come in first if we reach the target.

We all miss him very much and he is forever in our hearts. I chose to do both swims in memory of Chris and to support this charity to keep his memory alive and to help and support other families in the same position.

I would like to leave you my essay that i wrote for my English exam, if you feel like reading it please do.

 

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Suicide. Some say it’s the easy way out, others an act of weakness, but if we knew the torment these people were going through would we still class them as weak? Cowards? Or would you call it an act of courage that this one person faced death alone, something that we are all scared of.

 

6,000 people in the UK alone commit suicide every year. My brother was one of them. He was never angry, or too short tempered, he was always such a bubbly person who always had a big goofy grin on his face. But something had been eating away at him for the past year. Something was bringing him down and destroying him. On the 6 of November he couldn’t take it anymore and gave up. That day not only his world was crushed but so was the family he left behind. Unlike losing someone from a natural cause, losing my brother was one of the most intensely painful periods of my life. I had a thousand thoughts and questions whirling through my head. Not Chris? Why would he do that, to me, to us? I must be dreaming! Then the anger and pain hit me. Nothing could ever prepare me to what lay ahead and how I would feel.

Those seven words, those heart stopping words ‘your brother has died, he hung himself’ crushed my whole world. I stood in the living room, staring at my mum, then back at my dad trying to understand if I heard them right. Everything was in such slow motion. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, I just stood there frozen to the spot. Inside I was screaming but nothing came out. Just tears. Until I collapsed into my dad’s arms, screaming for my brother to come home. But he wouldn’t, he’ll never come back. Never again will I be able to hug him, talk with him but most of all swim with him. That day on the 6 of November a massive part of me had been taken. Taken out of my control and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt so helpless and so alone. No matter who I talked to or what I did, I felt so empty inside. It was as if someone had made a massive hole in my family and there was no way to fill it.

When someone dies of old age or an illness, grieving is a lot easier. But not when someone takes their own life. No matter what you try tell yourself you’ll never know the real reason why someone thought that suicide was the only path they had. You’ll never be in their shoes experiencing firsthand what everyday life was like for them. Every day that passes I ask myself why? Why would he do that? How could he leave us all behind? And my answer is always I’ll never know. For the rest of my life I will never know why Chris did it, or why he hurt me so much.

Days and nights seemed to drag on; minutes seemed like hour. Before my life was nonstop everything was going at 100 mph, now it had come to a grinding halt and I couldn’t get my life started again. Everything was just too much of an effort, a struggle. I just cried all day every day.

I never admitted it to anyone until now, but I use to constantly blame myself for what my brother did. I thought it was my fault because I pushed him hard at his swimming, maybe too hard at points but you have to work hard to achieve your dreams. I always felt guilty and sometimes I still do. The guilt use to eat away at me. On the outside I put a brave face on for the world but inside I was slowly decaying. After the whole day of trying to keep myself together everything crashed to pieces and I was back to square one, blaming myself and crying uncontrollably. I now know it wasn’t my fault, I guess deep down I always knew but that didn’t help the pain.

 His funeral was one of the hardest days of my life. It was a humanist ceremony, with only close family allowed. His two children, Harris and Inga were both sitting across from me. We were all asked to try and stay strong so it would be easier for them. It was when impossible Inga (who had just turned four) was screaming for her dad. The shakes came again, along with the tears. I was so angry. How could he leave his children behind? How could he leave his family, his family that loved him dearly? We will never have answers for our questions.

Once something so tragic happens to you, when someone so close has been taken from you in a blink of an eye you wonder if you will ever know what it’s like to feel “normal” again. Even now, 4 months on I break down, the feeling that something is missing grows stronger and I have horrible dreams. Horrible in the sense that he is still here, still swimming with me, still talking like we use to and still the amazing brother he always was. Once you wake up reality hits you like a slap in the face and reminds you that he’s not there and he never will be.

 

Before, if someone asked me what my opinion was about suicide, my reply would be simple, selfish. But now if you asked me the same question it would be that I respect these people. They did what no one else could imagine doing. They stared death in the face and weren’t scared. They are courageous and shouldn’t be disrespected or made out to be selfish. Many people that commit suicide have something wrong with them; something is eating away at them, just like my brother. To everyone else he was the same, he was bubbly and full of life, but behind closed doors a demon was eating away at him, controlling his actions. He always said to us that he found it difficult to listen to his angel, the devil always took over. Never in a million years did I think I would be sitting at my desk typing an essay about my brother because he killed himself. But looking back, I have had to grow up a lot quicker to understand the situation that I am in. I am now a lot stronger than I was before and I am not afraid of what the future holds. I have a completely different outlook on life now. Silly things don’t bother me and I don’t take anything for granted as anything can be taken from you in a blink of my eye. The unimaginable might happen to that one person that means the world to you and you never really got to tell them how you really felt.