I first gambled when I was about 7 or 8.Very occasionally I was allowed some money – just 10 or 20p and usually buy sweets but sometimes I would go to the video arcade and play an arcade game. It was in here that I first saw people playing a fruit machine. They put money in, pressed buttons and the machine gave them more money – Easy! So one day I tried it out - and I should have realised from this point onwards – I lost!

 

I probably never gambled for another 10 years or so. But when I did it was on a fruit machine. I have always gambled during my adult life, a few quid here and there, but there were times that it did go a bit too far! But when it did I always managed to control it and would stop it for a few weeks or months. Its not just the money that you waste, its also the amount of time – just standing there pressing buttons, looking back now, it was all such a waste. You remember the wins but not the losses. You are angry at having done it, but after a while you just forget about it.

 

Fruit machines are one thing but it was the FOBT’s that made me an addict. Fixed Odds Betting Terminals are machines in Bookies shops. Each shop is allowed up to 4 of these machines and they allow a player to gamble up to £100 every 20 seconds. The most you can win in any one go is £500. The machines offer you a chance to play roulette, blackjack, fruit machines and even virtual dog racing amongst others. These machines really dragged me in, it was the speed at which you could play – the instant gratification, or the “fix” that I needed and either ecstasy or a downer. I can imagine the similarities with drugs – highs and lows. When playing the machine I was in a bubble – it was just me and the machine. World War III could have been going on around me yet I wouldn’t know it as I was in such a trance. I kept thinking that it will work for me sooner or later, I have seen people win thousands on these machines and I kept saying that this time it will be me – it never was.

 

Now comes the hard bit, when I became addicted, I was not working and so the money came from mine and my ex-wife’s bank account or in other words what my ex earned. But when this wasn’t enough, I started to take out loans in her name which I couldn’t afford to pay back, It was at this point that gambling had turned me, Phil, an intelligent (sort of), popular(I hope), law abiding citizen into a liar and a fraudster. During this time, I was at such a low point, I was drinking a lot more too. How low did I get? Well suicide crossed my mind more than once, as did just leaving and “disappearing”. But that was the cowards way out and I still loved my wife and children, and couldn’t bear to put them through all of the mess that would have caused, so when I was found out again (as I had been given other chances to change my ways!) it was scary but also a relief.

 

So now you know. That was hard to admit to all my friends and family, what I had become. In March 2011, I was found out, and had to leave my family home and Worcester. Not the best part of my life, but it was necessary in order for me to properly face up to my demons. Over the next few weeks there was a lot of tears and a lot of reflection, and also enter NORCAS (now part of Phoenix Futures) and my counsellor, Mari. At last I had someone to talk to and who would listen without judgement and who I could be totally honest and open with. At first it was just talking about what I had done and how it made me feel, and turned into why I did it and what I had to do to prevent it happening again. It was during these sessions that sport was highlighted as something that I no longer performed and maybe doing it again would also help. So I started running and found I quite enjoyed it, so wanting to keep it going and have something to work towards I wanted to run the marathon, but when I tried to enter I found that registration had already closed. From here I found that NORCAS had one guaranteed entry for the marathon and so I applied and eventually selected by them to run the marathon for them. It is my chance to give something back to the organisation that had helped me when I needed it most.

 

I also managed to find a job with Sainsbury’s, this helped so much in improving my self worth, it used up my time, earned money for me, and gave me a reason to get up in the morning. No one knows of my past at Sainsbury’s and I am sure that those of you that read this, are surprised and shocked of what I used to be like. I hope that it doesn’t affect the way you treat me and see me. The person described above does not exist anymore, I am the new Phil who works hard, loves his children and is trying to live his life the right way.

 

I am so sorry for all the hurt and pain and worry I have caused, especially those who were closest to me, but hopefully the future will be better and brighter. There are still some hard times ahead – the conversation that I will have to have with Isobel and Theo about why daddy was there one day and then another was living 180 miles away in Ipswich. Also, lets not hide this under the carpet, I am a compulsive/addictive gambler and always will be, but hopefully now I know how to control it.

 

I know it is an emotive issue and there will be some who can’t/won’t understand and just see it as being something that is easily preventable – it isn’t, gambling addiction now affects approximately 450,000 people in the UK, and they are not easily identifiable, as they lie and hide their addiction, unlike say, someone addicted to drink or drugs. So please sponsor me for running this years London Marathon, and hopefully help those who also struggle with gambling.

 

Phil