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My friend, Gavin, died. He was diagnosed with cancer and two and a half weeks later, a liver tumor spawned from the colon cancer he didn’t know he had killed him. I have been private in this grief because to eulogize one of your best friends is to admit you will never speak to him again. This has been one of the darkest months of my life, but I have been amazed at the slippery way the universe conspires to show you the light. I will save my remembrances of Gavin for when I can write without sobbing and share a moment of collective mourning and incredible generosity of spirit instead.

Gavin left very specific instructions for his memorial service (of course!) and I have been helping his brother, Brandon, make the arrangements. Gavin and I worked on the Campus Activities Board together in college and I feel honored to help him ‘produce’ his last wishes, one of which is a very specific video. Because Gavin’s son, Bowie, is only two, and his daughter Abby is nine, the creation of this video feels like the plot of one of Gavin’s beloved comic books: A superhero dad teaches his children about their innate powers through a video he leaves for them after he dies.

Now, if you know Gavin, you know he handpicked the soundtrack and the imagery for this video and was very deliberate about what he wants to say. When I read Gavin’s video ‘script’ I imagined him with his needs-VO5-on-the-ends college hair, holding a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other, proclaiming first that he is immortal, and then listing exactly how he wants to be remembered after he dies. When my tv producer husband, Andy, read Gavin’s video instructions, he said, “You are going to need a really good editor.”

Enter Craig Brasen. Andy works with Craig at Alkemy X, and we called him to see what he would charge to make Gavin’s video. We knew there was a very limited budget for this video, and we would probably not be able to afford Craig, but we hoped he could steer us to a talented editor who might be a little greener.  I would say we chatted about the usual things like work, but we didn’t. We talked about how Andy’s mom, Ronnie, died of cancer two days after Gavin and Craig shared he too, was grieving. Craig’s uncle, Robert Brasen, had pancreatic cancer and his cancer came back in his liver. And, here is where this story takes a cosmic turn: Craig’s uncle died the same day as Gavin.

The three of us spoke about how grief strips you down to your rawest form, the way it hollows you out, and how there is no way to predict when the tears will come, or what will set them off. We talked about cancer, and what an ugly, sneaky disease it is, and how even when the fight is long, like it was for Andy’s mom, the end is still a shock. We didn’t talk about the legacies our loved ones left behind because we didn’t have to. How gutted we all were by the losses of Robert, Gavin and Ronnie spoke volumes about the way our families and friend lived their respective lives. And, the shock we all felt about their deaths spoke to how they each faced their ends. Collectively, we all felt ‘hospice’ meant we’d have time to say proper goodbyes, but death knows no schedule. Death’s only formality is its finality.

When Andy and I asked Craig what he would charge to create Gavin’s video, he refused to be paid. He felt like there was a strange synchronicity of circumstance and that the universe sent him this project. Andy and I both sobbed at this unexpected kindness, making this, in Andy’s words, “The most f*cked up creative call ever.” And, though I agree the three of us are connected for a reason, I am a big believer in creatives not working for free. We settled on a solution which feels perfect to us all: In lieu of payment, a donation to The Pancreatic Cancer Foundation in Craig’s uncle Robert’s honor will be made. 

I know Gavin would love this. In death, as in life, Gavin did so much good in the world. His family and friends have already raised over $25,000 for St. Baldrick’s, a children’s cancer non-profit he supported. I take comfort in knowing even in death, Gavin is creating good. I’d love to be able to share that sentiment, in a tangible way, with Craig’s family, as a thank you for the kindness he has shown me, on behalf of one of my closest friends. 

I’ve attached pictures of both Gavin and Robert, who will always be linked in my mind, not just because they faced a similar fate on the same day, but because they are so deeply mourned by those who knew them. The kindness of family, friends and even casual acquaintances is truly the only way to get through a time like this, and spreading a little more light into the darkness feels like the only way forward. If you feel so inclined to donate, I thank you in advance, on behalf of three grief stricken families.