Ah!!  There you are.  I've been expecting you....

Welcome my dear financially well-endowed friends, family and thoroughly upstanding members of the law abiding community.

Sit ye down and pull up a legacy.....did I say legacy?....I meant chair and listen to my donation....did I say donation?....er, I meant notion of supreme madness and sublime loonacy that'll have you reaching for your hanky...and then hopefully your wallets.

As many of you guys will know, quite recently God curtailed my plans for world domination and a shot at the Commissioners job for another year by giving me a hardcore dose of reality in the shape of testicular cancer (Yes, three lumps instead of two). 

Many of you will know that although I caught this disease early and quick surgery got the offending lump, I wasn't in time to prevent it spreading to my abdomen.  The result being three cycles of chemotherapy, which I am sure will nuke the small legion that is left.  My prognosis, thanks to early intervention is therefore excellent. 

Over the last few months, I've realised that I have a diverse support network consisting of family, friends, work colleagues and annoying dim-witted bumpkins I can't seem to shake, cheering me on from the sidelines like I was the fat wheezy boy with a note from matron on sports day.  Bless them all.

Never was this more evident than the response from my work colleagues at Notting Hill, who under the leadership my "guv'nor", Inspector Dave Morgan, ably assisted by Sgt. Johnny "Bravo" Davis have pulled strings and dare I say it..tugged a few knobs to devise a charity event worthy of praise.

On Sunday 14th October 2007, members of the Metropolitan Police Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea Senior Management, Staff and Response Team 1, Notting Hill  will undergo a "Celebrity Shearing" by the legendary coiffeur, James Brown at Kensington Police Station.

Yes, for one day only Mr Brown will be leaving the glamorous world of clients such as Kate Moss, to turn the clippers on the dry roots, split ends and receding hair lines of the crafty combers in the Metropolitan Police.  

Unlike many salons where you'll be asked how you'd like your hair and would you like tea or coffee, once in the chair the officers volunteering will be given the option of the "Solidarity Shave" or nothing.  The fur will then fly whilst James gives the unfortunate participant the grade 0 "Dr. Evil" look.

By the end of the day the result should look like a meeting of the Mitchell Brothers Fan Club and there should be enough hair on the floor to make wigs for the entire cast of Les Miserables!! 

To top it all (pardon the pun), the event will be covered by ITV's London Tonight to promulgate testicular cancer awareness and photographs will be attached to this website just for the pure chortle factor of seeing bald Bobbies.  

My thanks go out to James Brown and the staff of Modus Dowal Walker for making this event possible.  I am eternally grateful to you all for giving up your time for this worthy cause.

However, if you think that I would allow my colleagues gratuitous airtime and leave it at that, you're so wrong!  I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

As my friends and family will tell you my maxim for life is "We're here for a good time, not a long time" and that being the case I sometimes get myself into a corner over deeds of extreme stupidity masked as bravery.

Last year I completed two charity events, the 100km Trailwalker and the Karrimor International Mountain Marathon (KIMM).  I tell you that both were a complete "suffer-fest" and about as pleasant as getting an arrow through the neck only to discover there's a gas bill tied to it!!

However, for my next trick I'm going to leave it up to you, the philanthropist, to decide which race I compete in.  You've got a choice of two:

1)  The North Face Ultra-Trail Mont Blanc 2008.  A knee-shattering 163km in 46 hours, covering approx 8600m of climbing and involves crossing the borders of three countries, starting in France, through to Italy and finishing in Switzerland.

or perhaps you prefer.....

2)  The Highland Fling 2008.  Back to the fatherland to give my feet a treat in the 53-mile nipple-chaffing Ultra Marathon along the West Highland Way over 15 hours.  Through bogs, burns and soft Scottish weather blowing a hoolie, it's bound to be tough!

Of course, this will be all be done in the name of Cancer Research and I've set my target deliberately high to challenge myself mentally and well as physically to achieve the best possible result for others less fortunate than myself.

So get voting by adding which one you want to see me complete when you place your donation.  I'm placing my body on the line so you don't have to!  Cosy eh??!! 

And so my dears, to your wallets, purses, piggy-banks, matresses, sweetie jars, pension books, ration books and floor boards and sponsor-a-clear-nutter.   

In the words of Rydell High....if you can't be an athlete, be a athletic supporter!!

And remember, the overall message is clear, check 'em chaps and check 'em regularly.  How you do it is up to you (no really, I don't want to know), but it's absolutely vital to catch this disease early to give you the best possible chance to overcome it.

Testicular Cancer is rising by about 15% every ten years, which is an amazing figure and occurs in men specifically between the ages of 18-40.  So, it isn't just the smokers or the old and infirm that suffer from this illness.  It is totally indiscriminate and attacks the fit and the lame.  It doesn't care!  So we must!!! 

Early diagnosis can give you a 95% chance of survival, which are odds anyone would take, so give yourself a...er...hand in stopping it early.  This will only be achieved through awareness. 

Thanks muchly, my dear public,

Greg

Now please read the attached official bumff below....cure for insomia

Donating through this site is simple, fast and totally secure. It is also the most efficient way to sponsor me: Cancer Research UK will receive your money faster and, if you are a UK taxpayer, an extra 28% in tax will be added to your gift at no cost to you.

So please sponsor me now!

Many thanks for your support.