‘There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes’. Baby loss.. I think is probably one of the loneliest feelings in the world.

That is why we have chosen to ‘run’ for the wonderful Mariposa Trust- the saying goodbye charity, which is a cause very close to our hearts.

The CEO Zoe Clark Coates’s Instagram page, her books on baby loss and navigating grief have resonated with me on a deeper level and validated my own feelings of loss, confusion and anger when my whole world just felt ‘heavy’, after sadly we experienced our own baby loss.

My reasoning for sharing my own story is not only to try and help break a taboo subject of sharing real life when it doesn’t always go ‘to plan’ on our perfect social media streams. But to also try and raise awareness from my own experiance, which could help to save a life. 

On the 28^th April 2022- I took a positive pregnancy test after being a week late on my period.

On the 4^th May 2022 (6.5 weeks pregnant) whilst I was at work I began to lightly ‘bleed’. I put this down to an implantation bleed (and prayed for it to be just that), well sadly it got heavier. I went to A&E to be assessed. I was sent home with orders of a hot water bottle, lots of TLC as they confirmed a ‘Chemical miscarriage’ via a negative pregnancy test. Needless to say, our world came crashing down after a week of sheer elation that we were finally going to be parents, it really is remarkable the plans that evolve in your head in such a short space of time. For example, how you’ll announce it to your loved ones, what their nursery would look like.. a week or so later after trying to pick myself back up, I went back to work and started to get back to the gym.  

However, my body just didn’t feel ‘right’. Three weeks on I was still experiencing light bleeding (at times it was frank blood). I thought it was still part of the miscarriage (after all, what was ‘normal’ I’ve never had one before..). My abdomen was also still very distended. I decided to take another pregnancy test (I hadn’t prior to this because it was negative in A&E and I thought I’d save myself the heartache to see it read negative). Well straight away it came back positive, I was so confused at this point, was it a new pregnancy I thought? I phoned my GP immediately to seek further investigation (this was a battle as no Early pregnancy unit seemed to be very concerned). I persisted and was able to have an internal scan the same day. After multiple professionals reviewing the screen humming the words ‘suspicious mass’ it was confirmed I’d had an ‘Ovarian Ectopic pregnancy’ which occurs 1 in 27,000 (they most commonly occur in the Fallopian tube, 1 in 80, they are non-viable and they are not possible to save). Ectopic Pregnancies are the leading cause of 1^st Trimester Maternal death. If I hadn’t of persisted for an internal scan my outcome could have been very different. My treatment option advised by the Obgyn team was for surgery. So on the 27^th May I underwent emergency surgery to have my right fallopian tube (Salpingectomy) removed, which I’m relieved they did, as my ectopic had already began to rupture blood into my abdomen (we were flying to Greece 1 week later, I can’t even begin to imagine if it went on untreated..). I’m just very thankful for our NHS who took great care in treating me quickly.

Signs of an Ectopic include; missed period/ other signs of pregnancy, tummy pain on one side, vaginal bleeding and or brown watery discharge, pain in the tip of your shoulder (as per NHS web page). If you feel something isn’t right please seek medical attention via GP or NHS 111 who can go through your symptoms and refer you to the right place for further testing. It’s essential that you are seen as a ruptured fallopian tube can be life threatening, fortunately they’re uncommon and treatable if dealt with quickly. You can find more information for symptoms, treatments etc on the NHS website, the Ectopic pregnancy trust and the Ectopic Pregnancy Foundation. 

My recovery has gone well physically. To say these past two months have been rough would be an under-statement. But thanks to my wonderful husband, family, friends and supportive work colleagues, I am beginning to feel a lot more hopeful for the future. Not to mention the Mariposa ‘Saying goodbye charity’ for making me feel seen and not so alone in my darkest moments. This is why the race is so important to me, to help my focus on healing not just physically, but mentally too. Whilst also raising money to help fund the great work the charity do by supporting those who have experienced a loss of a baby, at any stage of pregnancy or birth, whether that be recently or historically. 

Who knows when our successful journey into parenthood will begin, but with my husband beside me, we’ll get there together. In the mean-time that little bean that didn’t make it will always be remembered. It didn’t matter that it ‘only’ lasted 10 weeks. That baby could have been our son or daughter.. and was already loved immensely after seeing those two pink lines for the first time. Besides, love, hopes and dreams cannot be measured in weeks.

If you could please sponsor us for this sensitive cause, it would be so greatly appreciated. 

Thankyou kindly,

Demi & Dan xxx