My name is Hayley, I'm 24 and I'm from Elderslie. In the past couple of years, my life has been turned upside down after being diagnosed with Anorexia - and for the past year I have been documenting my journey online.

Anorexia saved my life while simultaneously destroying it. It served a purpose for a very long time and I have become dependant on it. It allowed me to avoid the discomfort of the past; but for every feeling of pain that it numbed, it also numbed every other part of me too. And now I am trying to be brave enough to admit that it’s not serving a purpose anymore. It helped me to cope, to feel safe & to survive; but not now. And that is a really hard pill to swallow. An Eating Disorder almost cost me my life, but it caused me to lose the most important thing; myself. 

And now I’m left picking up the pieces and without a doubt, there are no words to describe the pain of the past year. Recovery hurts, opposite actions hurt, going against my head hurts, gaining weight hurts, feeling things hurts, talking about my problems hurts; but I know that deep down a life lead by Anorexia will hurt me more. I have realised that you can never complete Anorexia, you will only die trying. 

I want to have the courage to let go of the fear that I have which keeps me holding onto something that hurts so much, something that is so heavy, something that has only left me feeling misunderstood, unworthy, and at war with myself.

As much as it pains me to admit, over the past 11 months - I’ve restored weight, and by god it has been insufferable. This weight gain has kept me isolated, self conscious and embarrassed, but now and very surprisingly, it has actually been the most insignificant part of my journey. Because despite my estimations and my naivety, a healthy body does not equate to a healthy mind. Weight restoration has not eliminated the thoughts, and Anorexia is very much so the main occupier of my brain - but a stronger body will allow me to fight and challenge its lies. So yes, I have restored weight, but now I need to restore my life. In order to grow, deep down I know, I have to let go. 

And when I think about growth, I think about my hair, because for anyone who knows me, I am ‘the girl with very, very long hair’. Always have been and I presumed I always would be; because I was scared to change. It became a big part of my identity and in recent years, I feel like my identity has changed to being ‘Hayley with the eating disorder’. But honestly, I don’t want to be either. I just want to be me, whoever that may be.

I have become boring, fragile and flat; just like my hair. And like they say, every so often we need to cut our hair in order for it to grow and I know that I need to cut a lot of things in my life, for me to grow too. So I may as well do both. 

I’m going to cut my hair & I know that is a very insignificant thing to do for most, but I hope it can symbolise so much more than just a hair cut for me. Maybe a weight will be lifted and some of the weight of the past will go with it too. At the end of the day, Anorexia is a mental illness and this part of my story is nothing to do with my physical appearance. It’s about rewiring my brain, letting go of old beliefs, rules and behaviours but most importantly, finding new ones that serve me better; but I suppose why not do all that with nice hair too lol 

In the next few weeks, I’ll be braving the chop and I’ll be donating over 14  inches of my hair to The Little Princess Trust who provide free real hair wigs to young people who have lost their own hair through cancer treatment or other conditions. 

As well as this, I am asking for you, my friends, my family, and for anyone who has taken the time to read this, to sponsor me & to donate to my just giving page where all proceeds will be donated to BEAT -  the leading charity for Eating Disorder’s in the UK. BEAT supported & guided me during an incredibly confusing time in my life and I am just one of the 1.25 million people in the UK who suffer from an Eating Disorder. BEAT is on a mission to end the pain and suffering caused by these illnesses because they are deadly, so much so that recently I lost two friends to this illness - and I don't want to be another statistic. People are dying, and they will continue to unless we break the stigma and support early intervention regardless of a number on a scale.

No matter how much you can give, you are giving so much more than just money, but you are giving people hope and a future, because no one should be dying of an Eating Disorder in 2023. 

Thank you so much in advance,

Hayley