I’ve been lucky enough to be selected to represent the Armed Forces Para-Snowsports Team (AFPST) in one of their ‘5 Series’ Fundraising Challenges. In December I head to Sweden to embark on a daunting 24-hour Nordic ski. It really will take determination and courage as myself and a small team of AFPST athletes, continuously ski for a full day in defiance of our chronic illnesses and disabilities to help showcase the transformative power of para-Snowsports. From our team of 6, there will always be two athletes skiing around the track and together we will hit our 24-hour target.

The majority of this feat will be conquered in the darkness of the Scandinavian night, with the opportunity to witness both the likely breathtaking sunset and invigorating sunrise over Idre Fjall. We are going to need to brave the freezing temperatures that will hit the winters of Sweden as we ski the rolling terrains and tracks, certainly pushing me (mind and body) to my limit.

Why is this such a big deal to me?

When I was serving with the Royal Air Force I never really struggled with the physical aspects of my job. I lived for the socials and would happily dance the night away in my sparkly, skyscraper heels with not a single care in the world, other than making sure my alarm was set for work the next morning. I never thought I’d be someone who struggled with their weight, health or physical fitness.

In 2010 I was medically discharged with complex musculoskeletal and neurological conditions. I really was at my lowest ebb. As well as struggling with chronic pain, and all the general worries that come with leaving the Military, I felt worthless and as though I’d failed at all I’d ever wanted – I’d lost the kudos, the travel to far flung places, the obscure and interesting jobs and the social life, which was the biggest blow for me. I lost my purpose and often wondered what the point in life was – those kinds of feelings where you just want to go to sleep and not wake up and wonder whether anyone would even miss you if you didn’t.

Suffice to say, my mood plummeted, my activity dropped, the heels gathered dust and my weight started to increase, rapidly – sports and socials were officially off the agenda. Like a hamster in its wheel, I was definitely living a perpetual cycle of ‘going nowhere’.

In the latter end of 2017, during a particularly low spell of mood, I had the overwhelming realisation that something needed to change – plodding along was no longer an option, so I drew a line, forcing me into making a decision to win my life back, live in the present, take ownership of my future and try to recover.

When people say the word ‘recovery’ I think they consider the way they were before they were injured, but that simply isn’t the case. To recover means to become the best version of yourself with what limits you; the process of taking control of who you are now, rediscovering yourself and your purpose. It’s full of doubt, uncertainty, self-sabotage and intrusive thoughts, but when that little, tiny victory arrives, it becomes worth it. Recovery is not a destination, it’s a journey and its bloody hard work – but regret is harder.

Before embarking on this liberating journey, I would see people my age doing extreme sports or running marathons, and there I was feeling good about myself because I just about managed to get out of bed and put my leg through my underwear without losing balance! Roll on 2024, I’ve lost 10 stone, found myself winning 2 bronze medals at the Invictus Games, coaching future Invictus athletes in swimming, getting a distinction in my first Open University degree module and throwing myself into trying different sports despite my ability. I can achieve anything I put my mind to, no matter how distant or scary that my seem and it’s kind of fun to try and do what you thought was impossible for you. I’m determined.

This is where introduction to the Armed Forces Para Snowsports Team comes in…and to this epic challenge! A big fear of mine is snow sports. I don’t know why, but ‘slipping’ on the snow, which is clearly the soul focus in snow sports (that and knowing how to stop!), really frightens me – it makes me panic, glues me to the spot and makes me tremor, but that fear is not something I am prepared to give up on. I don’t want to allow myself to shy away from or stop doing something because it scares me or causes me pain, because I’ve realised that generally, fear is a liar, I just have to believe that and believe I am capable. Rather than let it fill me with dread, I want it to fill me with adrenaline, be able to ‘look up’ (as the coaching staff keep telling me) and look forward to the muse of beautiful scenery that is ultimately what draws me to the freedom of Snowsports and all they have to offer (the après ski is also attractive!).

My injuries and illnesses affect the range of motion and coordination required to be able to ski. It’s not something that comes naturally to me and I’m definitely not a duck to water! Pain and fatigue are my biggest limiting factor…them and fear. AFPST have enveloped me with support and encouragement. They see that I struggle, empower me to try and champion my success, no matter how small.

My experiences to-date with AFPST have already proven their life-altering benefits and have helped me understand what I need to focus on to rediscover my happiness. I have finally acknowledged that every step has been a movement in the right direction; I have accomplished many firsts, all of which far exceeded anything I believed I could achieve on the snow and I’m proud of myself for not giving up or being discouraged by setbacks.

I believe that AFPST have the power to inspire every veteran or injured service person who gets involved to become a stronger version of themselves, physically, mentally and emotionally – not just for the benefit of them, but for everyone around them.

The joy and laughter of being around supportive, likeminded people helps remind me of fantastic times I’ve had throughout my life, which I’ve clearly suppressed in favour of sadness, pain and negativity – AFPST encourages a new view on life.

Thank you for considering sponsoring me in this challenge, but also in sponsoring AFPST to be able to give others the kind of opportunities, strength and support they have afforded me. To some, it will literally be life changing.