In memory of Chantelle & Dominic Rai

(Raj & Gurjit Rai)

Our story

To tell our story has taken courage but one that we would like to share to celebrate what would have been 30 years for our children, Chantelle and Dominic Rai. 

When I found out I was going to become a mother, I was ready for the next chapter of my life. This chapter was one to be filled with love, family and happiness. 

To feel your baby, grow and kick is an indescribable feeling, a feeling that only a woman will understand, a feeling which excited me even more to become a mother. 

Unfortunately, on the 23rd January 1991 we were told our baby was not going to survive. Everything around us came crashing down. To know my body could no longer nourish my child, was something that completely broke me inside. The sorrow that filled my heart became unending grief. 

Following the devastating news, we were quickly told to call our parents to ask for consent. Completely confused by this, we were unsure what we needed consent for. The doctor told us we needed consent to continue the process because we were Asian. We had never felt so humiliated. We were labelled for being Indian during one of the hardest days of our lives. 

We had to decide to get consent and continue, which we did. My labour started on the 23rd January 1991 at 10am. Every two hours a different doctor would come to do their checks and procedures. There was no communication, remorse or comfort; I was just another Asian woman to them. This was the most degrading process I have ever been through. 

On the 24th January 1991 at 7.15am I gave birth. Our baby was taken away. I didn’t even get a minute with my child. I didn’t even know the gender. I was told I was ready to be discharged at 9am, hours after I just gave birth. 

When I asked to see the baby, it was refused. The nurses told me that they don’t tell Asians the gender of the child because if it was a boy, we would be filled with sorrow but if it was a girl, we’d be happy about our loss. Something we couldn’t comprehend. We just lost our child; we didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl. 

In the midst of grieving for my child, what our life could have been and our future family, our life was made harder by the trauma, racism, stigmatisation and degradation. 

I left the hospital just as confused as when I entered. Doctors did not know the next steps or where my baby was, so doctors confirmed there was no additional information in my notes. I rang every cemetery in Coventry, all funeral parlours, but none had relocation of where my baby was. I was soon told that all babies who are stillborn are placed together in a coffin and either buried or cremated together. Until today, I will never know where my baby is if it was buried or cremated and what she/him looked like. 

The trauma I faced controlled my life. With continuous depression, suicidal thoughts and sadness- my life was a mental battle. The days become years and the years become decades, but nothing will make the loss easier. For me, every milestone is to be celebrated. 

My mission 

Today I am living three lives: my own, Chantelle’s and Dominic’s. I think about what Chantelle would be doing, if she’d be married, boys, would she be educated? The same for Dominic. Not knowing is something that will stick with me, always. 

To celebrate 30 years of what could have been, I will be doing a walk of 100k steps in a day. 

I will raise funds to support families facing miscarriages and stillbirths. To help with the after-effects of mental health and learn to deal with the loss. They say time is a healer, but for me, this is something you just learn to live with. You don’t have a choice but to live. 

100k steps is a big challenge, one I am determined to tackle. I am currently training weekly and slowly becoming a step closer to my goal. 

I would like to say a massive thank you to Kyle,  trainer, who has been absolutely amazing, helped me get out of a dark place, face the darkness and find the light at the end of the tunnel. 

He has helped me through my physical and mental health. Through the anger, tears and frustration,  Kyle has helped with the nutrition. Kyle has believed in me and is helping me get closer to my goal.  There has been a lot of sweat and tears. Kyle will also be assisting me on this 100k steps challenge as he understands how important this is for me. I would also like to say thank you to jenny who introduced me to Kyle. Jenny has been a great support and will also be supporting us on the walk. 

The walk will take place on the 22nd of March 2023 at 6 am at Miners Park Coventry. 

All funds raised will be going to Baby LifeLine and Mental Health Charities. I would appreciate all my family, friends and even strangers to support me in this.